How NOT To Turn 45 (or How I Got Old In Three Weeks)

Aging is something I never really thought about very much until the past six or so months. Before that, I was one of those people that believed numbers are numbers and how you feel and perceive the world says more about you than an age. To some degree, I'll hold that as true, but we have to face reality. Being in your 40's basically means you are probably at the half way point and more than likely, you are past it. That can be a startling reality when you let it seep in and you start taking stock of who you were at 30 and who you are in your mid-40's. 

I guess I should have seen the train wreck that has been my last month or so coming. I am not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point in the past year I started saying my age was 45 when I was asked. I didn't turn 45 until recently. Why was I doing this? I didn't make a conscious effort to do it. I just started saying it. It didn't bother me at all to do so. Maybe my mind was preparing me.....taking care of me, well aware that I have an underlying fear of growing older and furthermore, death. I have been brave in the face of what I thought was catastrophe with death imminent, but that only served to mask my internal thoughts about how and when I may kick the bucket and how lonely that moment may feel. 

Anyway, this isn't about death, it's about aging and how to deal with it. Forty-five. No going back. There are things that I can't really do anymore to my satisfaction. That depresses me. There are things I should have done, even as late as 5 years ago, that I have not done. That depresses me. I see a road in front of me paved with an attitude that has me playing out the string. Hell, if I live to be 70, that's another 25 years of waiting. Holy fuck!! 25 years and I'll be 70!! When did this happen? Nobody told me when I peaked, but they sure don't have to tell me I'm on the way down the slide. 

In some ways, I am who I want to be. In many ways, I'm not. In the past month I have taken stock of most of the things related to my life. From something as simple as the books I read to things as complex as my marriage and relationships with my extended family. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing a pity party. I just can't help but feel this 45 thing strongly. I have a lot going on for me, and I know it. Great wife. Great kids. Great friends. A nice job. A healthier relationship with my extended family. I have a fairly comfortable life. So why the roller coaster emotionally? If you know, throw me a life line! The things I have been enjoying most for the past few years, I have backed away from, as if I were being over indulgent in my own happiness or satisfaction. I've felt "in my own head" a lot more and not really wanting to share with anyone. Perhaps the death of my grandfather has thrown a monkey wrench into my psyche. My link to my beloved grandma is now gone. That portion of my life is forever gone. Did I somehow equate my grandparents being alive to my being "young" with most of my life in front of me? The closest connection to her is gone. I've had three consecutive nights of dreams where my grandpa was present. What's that all about? Is it just another part of what is dogging me? Is there something I am missing that has me so withdrawn? I don't know. Do other people go through this? When will these odd feelings pack up their shit and move on? 

I know, I know....it's just a damn number. It just seems like an awfully scary number for me. I sort of have to accept that I can never be the same person I was, even if I wanted to. That ability slipped away when I wasn't looking. Didn't even bother to leave a note!

The Replacements, GWAR, Public Enemy & Riot Fest!

I now have the Replacements Chicago performance in my rear view mirror by three weeks. My perspective of the show isn't much different than it was three hours afterwards. I have only been to a couple of music festivals, but I have to hand it to Riot Fest; it was a really great event. Entertainment everywhere. Music, carnival rides, street performers, affordable grub, and a nice even for people watching. Above all though, I enjoyed the music. 

I got to see a lot of bands play, and while I liked Blondie, the Violent Femmes, Joan Jett, and others, the stars of the weekend for me were GWAR, Public Enemy and of course, the Replacements. Perhaps GWAR and Public Enemy hit me so hard because I had not seen them before and wasn't really sure what to expect, but they delivered. 

On Friday night, Chris and I had decided that we would go over and see GWAR. We had both heard from friends that they were a crazy act and not to be missed. I guess I didn't quite understand what I was getting ready to see, but right from the get go, the music didn't agree with me, but the theatrics did. I'm not much into heavy metal and GWAR brings the thunder. Loud guitars, screaming lyrics and a relentless drive. To each his own....I'm not knocking it. The stage show was a different matter. I love some insanity on stage and that's just what GWAR brought. This is a family blog, so I really can't go into much detail. Yeah, it was THAT crazy. Lots of "blood" and "semen" and "semen and blood". Lots of entrails being ripped out. The rape of a priest. A zombie Jesus. A few people left and I'm guessing that they had no idea what they were in for. I will post a You Tube link to some video of their act, because I just can't do it justice with the written word. I'm not that strong of a writer! If I had to try to pin the show down to one word, it would be "HILARIOUS"! I couldn't stop laughing. Back in my Christian days I would have been appalled....offended....angry. But, without that prevailing worldview to sort through any longer, I was able to laugh at some of the ridiculous depictions that took place. I wouldn't go out of my way to see this band, nor would I buy their music, but they sure know how to put on a show!

Public Enemy was another act I wanted to be sure to catch while in Chicago. Not so much because I'm a big fan, but because I appreciate their place in both musical and popular culture. Not quite the kick in the balls that NWA provided at their peak, but they were (and still are) artists that highlight social injustice and provide lyrics that promote human unity and "fighting the power" when the power needs to be fought. My friend Greg had turned me on to them in college and again, while I'm not a big fan, I really did have an appreciation for what they did. Chuck D, Professor Griff and the rest of the band came on and immediately the crowd reacted positively. It wasn't until Flavor Flav hit the stage that things went to the next level. The guy is a show unto himself and he clearly loves the "love". When he wasn't pimping every single social media/internet site that you could find the word "flavor" on, he was doing his thing as the best "hype man" in the game. He's got some solid skills though and even sat behind the drum kit and kicked some ass too. Chris and I were right in the middle of the crowd, fist pumping and feeling the love. The DJ was superb as was the musicianship. A genuine highlight of the weekend for me. A really fun time.

The reason I was at Riot Fest at all was The Replacements. Sure, I love all sorts of music, but there is no way I travel 5 hours and spend what I spent to see anyone else. This is MY band and the chance to see Paul and Tommy share the stage again was something I wasn't going to pass on. Sure, they could continue to tour and come to Louisville, but that's far from a sure thing and again, no way I'm missing a "life opportunity". It was rainy on that much anticipated Sunday, so Chris and I lounged at the hotel for most of the day. As I explained in my previous post, we had a charmed experience getting to Humboldt Park. Got a nice spot just across the street for an easy $20. The rain relented and we went in and surveyed the damage from the weather. LOTS of mud, lots of muddy people. That did nothing to dampen my spirits. We hit the tents and grabbed some t-shirts and waited. We wanted to see the Pixies, but to get a prime time spot for the 'Mats, I let Chris lead the way and we gave up on watching Black Francis. We watched AFI and started moving through the crowd. When that show was over, we fought against the tide and made it damn near to the stage. A tremendous spot to see my musical heroes! 

During the hour long wait, we were packed in like sardines. That's not a situation I'm always comfortable in, but with all the fans surrounding me talking about this anticipated show, it made it much easier to tolerate. I spoke with quite a few people half my age. Florida, New York, Boston....people from all over had gathered to see this reunion. We swapped stories about the songs we loved, which albums were our tip top favorites and discussed why this bands legacy had endured. A legacy that is strong, with deep roots, but has stayed mostly outside the mainstream. The Replacements have had a huge influence on a lot of bands through the 90's up to today. That influence has been expressed in the press quite often since Paul and Tommy dusted off the Replacements name. They are an important part of the alternative movement. They helped build the foundation for bands like Green Day, Nirvana, the Goo Goo Dolls and so many others that hit it big with a sound that wasn't always polished. Raw and real was a sound that many music fans wanted coming off the prefabricated, over synthesized sounds of the 1980's. 

Back to Chicago. Twenty two years ago, the Replacements played a July 4th show at Grant Park (in Chicago) and stopped touring and recording together. Now, here I was, on the cusp of watching them return. I was a bit anxious, not exactly knowing what to expect. Sure, I had heard the Toronto performance a couple of weeks earlier, but this was Chicago! This is a city that had embraced the Replacements in their "Heyday" and was ready to do so again with a crowd of tens of thousand packed around the stage.



As soon as Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson made their appearance along with new Replacements Dave Minehan and Josh Freese, the outside world was forgotten. Even though I would ordinarily be out of my element in the middle of the chaos, right up front by the stage, I totally got into it. The crowd up front was truly like an ocean, you had to move with the ebb and flow or you would go down and that wouldn't be a good thing. "Takin' A Ride", "I'm In Trouble", "Favorite Thing".....these tunes opened the show and were played with fervor and passion. By the time they go to "Tommy Gets His Tonsils Out" there was no doubting that they could still pull the passion out of themselves to do these songs (now at or over 30 years old) without a hint of nostalgia. Paul noticed the digital clock (the festival had hard times for the bands to go on and be done) in front of him and picked it up to examine. Clock, we don't need no stinkin' clock. I shouted "Fuck that clock!!" and the guys next to me picked up on it and suddenly there was a contingent chanting "FUCK THAT CLOCK, FUCK THAT CLOCK!!!". Paul pulled the clock up and threw off the back of the stage. "You got your way. I'm an old hand at this. A music professional."



I felt like I was right where I should be, having a great time, absorbing the music and the energy of the crowd. For 25 songs time, age, work, the grind of day to day life went away. It was all about the music and seeing a band that I loved play the songs that meant something to me. Those songs and so many others that the Replacements played over the years are a part of who I am. Musically, my life is pretty much complete. I've seen Roger Waters and Paul McCartney, but I can't see Waylon and I can't see the Beatles, the Beastie Boys, or The Band, so the MUST SEE has been done. It was not anti-climactic at all for me. The performance was kick ass and I enjoyed myself as much as I ever have at a music show. I was home. They wound up the show with songs that couldn't have been any more perfect to send the crowd home with; "Hold My Life" and "IOU". A great experience that I'll never forget.   

Cabs, Trains, & Rickshaws: A Tale of Transportation

Well, I've been free floating (falling?) for a couple of weeks and really missed a great opportunity to put my thoughts on seeing Chicago, The Replacements, and Riot Fest for the first time into the written word. I will attempt to do that later, but I'm certain I will miss some stuff I would have liked to included. Maybe if Chris reads this, he will be able to throw in some shit and I'll just edit and add. It's a work in progress! For now, I want to write about going to and from Humboldt Park. 

Chicago is one big city and when you stretch it out to include the "burbs", it's tremendous and, for someone like me, almost overwhelming. It seems as though it takes forever to get around. For my tastes, I'll just settle on Louisville as being about the right size for me. Chris and I went up to Chicago by car and really were flying by the seat of our pants on how to get to and from Humboldt Park, where Riot Fest was being held. We finally settled on taking the train. Fairly inexpensive, but for the uninitiated, a bit confusing....sort of like the subway in Boston. After you get your bearings and study the map, it's not too difficult to figure out where you need to go. 

We got off the train along with a bunch of kids that were also headed to Riot Fest. Not knowing where the hell we were, we just decided to follow them. Whether it was to hell or Riot Fest, they held our lives in their sense of direction. It was a couple of miles to the Park and every step felt like it. We were in a largely Hispanic neighborhood that seemed nice enough, but I don't think the kids we were following were tuned into the fact that they need to chill their asses out. Walking in a neighborhood that isn't your own should pull some respect out of you. Well, it wasn't THAT bad, but singing, jumping around, being loud, drinking right on the street.....apparently that was a bit much for some locals. Chris and I overheard a native say that they (Hispanics in the neighborhood) would be locked up if they acted like that, but implied since the kids were white, they were just fine. And yeah, the guy was probably right. 

We got to the park and it was pretty damn awesome. Rides, games, "fair" type food at reasonable prices, swag tents, and sound stages. Street performers wandered around, and despite the volume of people, I don't remember seeing even one uniformed police officer. On top of that, I didn't see any altercations. The entire weekend was peaceful and pretty much douche bag free! That was welcome, because any time I go to see music in Louisville, there is always a contingency of douche bags that are not there for the music, but to be seen and to generally engage in douchebaggery. I guess people took the words on the bottom of the Riot Fest poster seriously.

After the music ended on Friday night, we knew damn sure we didn't want to take the 2 + mile trek back the way we came. So, we saw a dude with a rickshaw bike and we caught a $20 ride to the train station. We went through a pretty rough neighborhood, almost like something out of a movie. It made me appreciate that I was removed from the poverty and hopelessness that seemed to prevail. Took the train back and I have to make this observation; does anyone on a public transportation train have a good time? Having to spend nearly 45 minutes on a that train made me feel like I wanted it to jump the rails and slam into a pillar. 

The next day we drove.....or rather, Chris drove. I thought we were going to be a couple of miles from the park and just catch a cab. We found a parking garage and then found a bus that we could take to the park. Little did I know we were about 8 or 10 miles from the park and that distance of a ride on a bus in a city that averages 8 stop lights every 100 yards made for a  LONG trip. It was about an hour getting to our destination and if I thought the train was ripe with depression, the bus was worse. Stare at the floor, at the ceiling, read the advertisements, look out the window at traffic, check your phone for a message that isn't coming. Wash, rinse, repeat....about 10 times. 

All was right when he hit the park though! Great music, great food, and what seemed to be to me about 50,000 people! Once again, no trouble, just people of all ages (from babies to those in their golden years) listening to music and sharing laughs. After we had exhausted ourselves, we took a cab back to the car. The dude that picked us up assured us that Chicago was easy to learn, but this Serbian immigrant pulled a fast one on us. He went up and down side streets, got lost and even went all the way into a dead end. Which is where Chris thought our lives would probably end. Finally, he got us to our destination. We got our asses back to the hotel, hit the peace pipe and watched some Larry David. 

On Sunday, the day that I had been waiting on for most of my adult life, Chicago saw rain falling all day long. We decided to stay at the hotel until closer to "Replacements" time. We decided to try to place ourselves close to the park. We went to Humboldt and for about 30 of so minutes of riding around we thought we were screwed and would have to head miles away and take a cab. As we were leaving there was a dude just standing in an orange vest and Chris pulled up and asked if he knew where there was any parking. Well, it turned out he had one spot left. It was right across from the park. Incredible. $20....right there at the park, when it seemed there was no parking at all. It simply reaffirmed my faith that there isn't a god. If there was, the chances that Chris and I would have gotten that spot would be just about zero, especially after seeing GWAR and laughing our asses off through that performance. And that is for another blog. 

Yeah, I know....not much substance. Just felt like writing. My next effort will focus on the music and how I felt about seeing The Replacements....finally. 

Bands and Reunions: When Is A Band Not A Band?

Bob, Tommy, Chris, and Paul; The Replacements

Sunday, August 25th will mark the return of my all-time favorite band, The Replacements. Or will it? Over the years, I have heard people say that there are no reunions without the original members of a band. Recently, I have been hearing the rumblings that Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson getting together is not The Replacements. I guess I understand that stance, but if you start saying that a missing member of a band negates that bands existence, then there are a lot of bands, past and present, that should hang it up or feel like they have been living a lie. 

Are the Rolling Stones not the Rolling Stones because Brian Jones died in 1969? If not, then they have been pulling the wool over our eyes for decades, but it sure does sound like the Stones when I hear "It's Only Rock N Roll" or "Some Girls". Wilco is down to only having Jeff Tweedy and John Stirrat as band members that were there from the start. Are they no longer Wilco? 

Perhaps defining what makes a band who they are would help. For me, the creative elements have to be there and the stage presence has to be in the mix. If the main creative forces of a band are there, along with the personality I have a tough time throwing the towel in. I think Wilco is Wilco and will be as long as Jeff Tweedy is there. I think the Stones are the Stones unless Mick, Keith or Charlie hit the bricks. The Who is the Who so long as Townsend and Daltrey are there (apologies to the great Keith Moon, but he left way too soon). Led Zeppelin could still be Led Zeppelin so long as Page and Plant are involved. As with those bands (and as a hardcore fan), I don't have any problem with Paul Westerberg and Tommy Stinson calling themselves The Replacements. They were the main creative forces every step of the way. Tommy embodied the attitude, even after they booted his brother Bob, and Paul steered them artistically. It's their band and their band is The Replacements. Sure, it'd be sweet to see Chris Mars and Bob Stinson with them, but Bob is dead and Chris is a painter. Slim Dunlap and Steve Foley? Well, if you are against reunions that don't include original members, those guys are out. Well, they are out anyhow as Foley is dead and Slim suffered a major stroke. If you could accept them as The Replacements, then why have a problem with a couple of great musicians (drummer Josh Freese, and guitarist David Minehan) that have backed Paul in the past coming on board as members? 

I will say this in defense of those who cry foul over reunions; there are definitely times where a band isn't really a band anymore, no matter what they call themselves and even saying that I'm sure someone will be able to refute me and I'm not saying that they would be out of line. For instance, take a band like Journey. Journey without Steve Perry rings false. He and Neal Schon were the faces of the band. Are they REALLY Journey if one of them isn't around? Pink Floyd? That is another band that I just can't call by their name (despite going to see them without Waters....sue me). When Roger Waters left, I just don't see how they could go on using the name Pink Floyd. It'd be like the Beatles without John Lennon. In my opinion, the Beach Boys are not the Beach Boys without Brian Wilson. Queen without Freddie Mercury? Come on, really? I can't imagine the Beastie Boys touring without Adam Yauch and still claiming to be THAT band. 

Unless I meet an untimely demise, I will be in Chicago to see The Replacements in a few weeks. Yep, I'll be seeing The Replacements and I'll be damned happy to be there!

This will do, but I really wish Saturday Night Live had not pulled their "Bastards of Young" performance from You Tube. Tremendous and kick ass.  

The News Media & Mental Manipulation

It's been more than two months since I have taken my hiatus. I don't know how many people even read this blog, but if you do, thanks. I've dropped out of Facebook and tried to listen to some opinions and such on Internet message boards, read on some alternative sites, and often times, I interjected my thoughts into the process. I have discovered a few things that have me disgusted and have even damaged my "soul" a little bit. Well, here goes. Hope I'm not all over the place with this. 

I'm no fan of the mainstream television/radio media. FOX, MSNBC, CNN and that ilk have really dumbed us down. It's one thing to talk about the shit that passes for television, but the news media in particular has really been manipulating mass opinion and pitting one set of Americans against another. This latest travesty of reporting the "news", which involved the Martin/Zimmerman case is sickening. Incorrect leaked information led to preconceived notions just days after the incident and speculation replaced a rational look at the facts at hand. I'm not going to get into the case, because frankly, what can I add to the madness? The media pushed people into camps and in the circles I followed, it was largely political. Conservatives were more likely to side with the killer. Liberals were more likely to side with the dead kid. That's odd. And I believe it was due to the news that people are seeking out. We now seek out news that fits our ideology. Think about that for a minute. That should be a MAJOR problem. The news should be about truth, and not care about ideology. 

The media is a money making construct as it is today. Mass marketing. Commercialism. Ratings. That's what drives the news now. Twenty-five dead Indian kids barely caught a blimp on the radar. What was important? The cover of Rolling Stone magazine. You are being manipulated and you probably don't realize it. Hell, you may even embrace it. If you follow a certain news organization because of political slant, you are a part of the problem. Turn that shit off. News isn't supposed to have a political slant. Here's a tip; Chris Matthews, Bill O'Reilly, Anderson Cooper, and Sean Hannity are not news reporters. They are news analysts with political leanings and they host news analysis programs. They can be political because of the opinion driven format. They don't have to be accurate, they just have to have an opinion. Stop watching that shit. Find an alternative, or at the least, piece your news from as many sources as possible. 

I told a friend today that 9/11 has probably not only changed our nation in terms of security, but it also damaged our psyche. The mass media fed that too. They reported "breaking news" about additional terrorism for several years afterwards that mostly turned out to be nothing. They had constant updates on the "terror level". What an absurd concept that was put right in our faces at every turn for months on end. They fed the fear and we believed it. Hell, we were scared and someone making you even more scared isn't going to lead you to free thought or rational analysis of what is going on. We pined for protection and the government started stepping all over our basic freedoms, and worse than that, started killing people in other countries while we cheered. We didn't think about the reality of what was happening. We were scared. Some of us recovered and came to our senses. The fear melted away and we got to see the rest of the country and how it had changed without the "bogeyman" goggles on. Sadly, much of the rest of the nation has used that fear to dig themselves a hole. They have become distrustful of their fellow man. They have started feeling like the best policy is to shoot first and ask questions later. We have become so wrapped up in fear that we can't even agree that health care/food/water on a civilized (ha!) planet should be a basic human right. How crazy is that? 

I started this blog as an outlet for myself to write some amusing shit, but it can be tough to feel funny when I see how much we have changed and realizing that my kids have to grow up in this and will be fighting it (or joining it?) their whole lives. What chance do we have as a nation when we are teaching our kids how to become fearful and distrustful of anything on the other side of the front door? We are rolling over to the big money and powerful interests. We are scared. It's time to stop the manipulation. It's time to free your mind to some new ideas. It's time to look at the world and at other human beings as real people and not characters on a TV show that we can easily divide into friend or foe. All of this is put in front of you and you still can't even take pause to think about whether it's true can you? You have been trained to ignore and belittle the rantings of people who don't look and think like you do. 

I've read some really ugly shit from people lately. It's damaging my hope for the future of the country and more importantly, the planet. Is it too much to ask that we think about other people as living human beings? People who love and are loved? We are to the point of many Americans believing there isn't any reason to be concerned that a kid has died. Not just talking about Trayvon Martin. I'm talking about any kid. We have a lot of mean and hurtful people in this country, and the trouble is, they think they are the ones that are compassionate and care about the general welfare of others. I don't know what to think about that other than to be disgusted and to feel damaged. 

Jack Torrence (The Shining): "See, it's Okay. He saw it on the television."