I feel like writing about this song, "Running On Empty" by Jackson Browne. It's been heavy on my mind for the past couple of months. I guess I could say "not sure why", but I am not going to pretend that it doesn't hold some sort of meaning for my psyche or where I feel like I am in life and trying to make sense of getting older.
Some know, some don't, but my dad chose to take his life a few years ago. We were not exactly estranged, but we weren't exactly close. The relationship was complicated for reasons that don't really matter in context of the writing I am doing. There is no need to get into that very deeply, but he holds a place in what the song means to me and why I feel impacted by the lyrics.
His timeline coincided with the lyrics of the song. In '65 he was 17. In '69 he was 21. I never got the sense he was satisfied with his life or how it played out. Like there was something he was consistently missing out on. He would change his life several times. He would want to be Jimmy Buffett, then Neil Young, and then Waylon Jennings.....chasing something other than what he had.
My dad wasn't much of a Jackson Browne fan and to be honest, outside of about 10 songs, I can't say I am either. Just never made that move, diving into his music. I certainly respect his songwriting ability and those handful of songs, I really do enjoy, but let's stick with the task at hand; "Running On Empty", which I consider to be a masterpiece of a song. The music flows well, it's catchy, the lyrics are really on point, and Browne has the only voice that should ever sing it.
So, why does my dad tie into this, a song that I am wanting to explore from my point of view? Well, he spoke highly of this particular song and when it came on, and we were together, he never failed to make mention of how he felt in tune with it. I didn't really get it. Yeah, I love music and feel very emotionally attached to a lot of bands, albums, and songs, but I didn't really "GET" what he felt. I think I do now. Maybe. At 56, I have been coming to grips with a couple of things; I am going to die, sooner rather than later and time will strip away the people and places you have attachment to. Life has been rushing by and I only now have started understanding it's like a road. Plowing forward, never really sure of the destination. Well, not sure until you realize that the road has an eventual end, if not a destination.
At 17, he was close to being married......at 21, just a few years later, he was married and I was a year old. Life changed fast for him at that age, but it was all in front of him. Adult life. It was the start of his real journey. You don't know that you should be clinging to childhood while it's happening. You spend the first 15 or so years in a state of learning and a carefree existence. You don't yet have your wheels on the pavement. You are still in the middle of feeling that childhood even as you are becoming an adult with responsibility gaining on you.
It's only when you reach a certain age that you say "Oh shit.....it's here. Life is here. Time is not on my side the way it once was." At different times you take stock the best you can. Knowing that you were too young to appreciate what it meant to have youth. "Youth is wasted on the young" as the man in a great movie once said. So, what we can do is stop and see where we are now. At 40. At 50. At 60. At 70. In my case at 56. Closer to 60 than 50. Where did that time go? Regrets are useless unless you can make amends for any pain you have caused. For the things you can't "fix", you have to let it go, but not really. They will visit. In the middle of the night or at times when you are alone and perhaps digging into some music that brings up a memory that perhaps would be best left buried. We have to let those things go. The things we can't do anything about. Pray, meditate, do a little Gestalt work.....whatever it takes to put those things (the demons?) to rest.
The flip side is taking stock of it all and where are we going to go from here. To this point, I have mixed up the personal with the figurative "we". The "we" that may have commonality on those things. Hell, if that's not you, stop reading. It's OK. Don't create concern, worry, or thought that isn't a positive.
Life will pass you by. Browne immediately takes stock in it from the opening lyrics. It's rolling on and you can't hit the brakes. He is on a path, but he doesn't know where it will eventually lead. Do any of us? You start having the realization that the road is going to end, but we are all running hard, chasing the sun and that sun is eluding us. Always in the distance, as if it's a destination. He didn't care at age 17, didn't give it a thought. The road went on forever.
Growing into adulthood, responsibility takes hold. You get into the "I have to" pretty quick. I have to get a job, because I have to pay for the house and I have to take care of my wife and child. The carefree road of 17 has changed, no longer can you be carefree. You still don't know where you are going to go ultimately. What will life bring? It's all in front....still chasing the sun. Not catching up. You grab material, you grab relationships, you start making sacrifices for comfort. You settle in a little.
At some point, we start understanding that it's life. This is what is happening for everyone, to varying degrees. We search for meaning in our loves, possessions, work......we are in the middle of it all. Browne recognizes that and states it with "people need a reason to believe", but immediately follows up with "i don't know about anyone but me", recognizing that he's not sure that everyone else feels the way he does and doesn't want to speak for them and comes to the point of knowing his best life is being a positive presence. I have only recognized that in the last few years. I have tried to change my persona. My internal "Freddy" can sometimes feel different than what I project. I have awoken to the realization that the only thing I will really leave is how those that knew me will think of me and even how they feel or think about me now. The need to be better, despite any external stimulus and events. Make a positive impact and make certain those that I love know that I do care for them and love them. I don't have a lot left in the tank, but it's enough to make people feel better about their lives and who they are. Be the things I have gotten and try to be the things I needed, but perhaps didn't get.
I started realizing a short time ago that the road (life) is rushing under my wheels....I am still plowing on towards the sun that I seem to never catch up to. When I finally do, it will be setting, won't it? I don't know how to make sense of it all, other than to take stock. Part of that taking stock is hitting me a little harder than I thought it might. My grandfather built his families home when I was a baby. The house is "home" to me, even though I only lived there for short periods of my life. He hand dug the basement. He built it solid. He made it to please my grandmother and did it out of love and to make sure she had a solid foundation and surroundings to raise a family. That's leaving. The house is being sold. It's the right thing. It's time for someone else to love the house, the property and forge memories around it. It's time for new people to love it. My family and I will be ghosts. 56 years of ghosts that the new owners won't see. They won't know the love, the hardship, the pain, the hugs, tears, kisses, and arguments that made that place home and a factor in lives that still move on. Soon, it will all be memory...like it wasn't already, right?
I always had a fear that I wasn't keeping up. That my friends were adults with lives that they had carved out, knowing what was ahead and enjoying the moment. Like they had arrived. In recent years I have come to understand that they are sharing the same feelings I am. They are chasing the sun with life rushing past them too. Taking stock. Being uncertain. Still trying to find contentment. Waiting for a life to begin that they know already has and they just didn't hear that starting gun. I'm not alone. We are all in it together.
Standing still isn't an option. Many of us like the thought of that. Personally, I have to come to grips with change and change that I wasn't prepared for. Losing pieces of my life that I never thought I would. Knowing that ultimately, that is going to happen for everyone....but somehow, I didn't think it would apply to me. Right now looks pretty good to me, which I feel in the lyric "the way you look so kind". But, like every passing year behind me, this is going to be fleeting also. It's going to rush past me. I'd love to stick around, but I'm running behind, right? I don't know what I'm moving towards, but the inevitable is leaving this consciousness. Leaving my family, friends, co-workers....all the connections. Or, I last long enough for them to leave me.
I still feel like I'm moving forward, but I sure would like it to stall out for awhile. To be able to enjoy my family as they are. To express love to my wife in a way that I may not have been able to as a younger man. To enjoy my daughters before they start hitting those "I have to" stages and begin to realize they are also running on empty and the road is rushing under their wheels. To give companionship and love to my friends and try to make their lives better in the rare times we spend together. I always say I hate getting older, but as a couple of friends have told me "Freddy, it beats the alternative.". I guess they are right.
I'm "running on empty"....always have been, I just didn't know it. Do any of us, until we hit a certain age or point in our lives?
Taking stock in it all without dwelling in it feels like a positive, but it's not easy. Emotions are conjured up. Memories. Some good, some bad. If I knew that I would miss my past this much, I would have appreciated it more, but here I am, still running on empty and I don't even know what I'm hoping to find. None of this is feeling sorry for myself at all. Just a look at where I am and sometimes I like to share that. It's a snapshot of my mindset just having turned 56, and losing the feeling of "home". Many more years behind me than in front.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I suppose it's become evident that I'm not writing about the song really. I'm writing about my feelings and the song is just a facilitator for my expression. Hmm...OK....