Running On Empty

I feel like writing about this song, "Running On Empty" by Jackson Browne. It's been heavy on my mind for the past couple of months. I guess I could say "not sure why", but I am not going to pretend that it doesn't hold some sort of meaning for my psyche or where I feel like I am in life and trying to make sense of getting older. 

Some know, some don't, but my dad chose to take his life a few years ago. We were not exactly estranged, but we weren't exactly close. The relationship was complicated for reasons that don't really matter in context of the writing I am doing. There is no need to get into that very deeply, but he holds a place in what the song means to me and why I feel impacted by the lyrics. 

His timeline coincided with the lyrics of the song. In '65 he was 17. In '69 he was 21. I never got the sense he was satisfied with his life or how it played out. Like there was something he was consistently missing out on. He would change his life several times. He would want to be Jimmy Buffett, then Neil Young, and then Waylon Jennings.....chasing something other than what he had. 

My dad wasn't much of a Jackson Browne fan and to be honest, outside of about 10 songs, I can't say I am either. Just never made that move, diving into his music. I certainly respect his songwriting ability and those handful of songs, I really do enjoy, but let's stick with the task at hand; "Running On Empty", which I consider to be a masterpiece of a song. The music flows well, it's catchy, the lyrics are really on point, and Browne has the only voice that should ever sing it.  

So, why does my dad tie into this, a song that I am wanting to explore from my point of view? Well, he spoke highly of this particular song and when it came on, and we were together, he never failed to make mention of how he felt in tune with it. I didn't really get it. Yeah, I love music and feel very emotionally attached to a lot of bands, albums, and songs, but I didn't really "GET" what he felt. I think I do now. Maybe. At 56, I have been coming to grips with a couple of things; I am going to die, sooner rather than later and time will strip away the people and places you have attachment to. Life has been rushing by and I only now have started understanding it's like a road. Plowing forward, never really sure of the destination. Well, not sure until you realize that the road has an eventual end, if not a destination.

At 17, he was close to being married......at 21, just a few years later, he was married and I was a year old. Life changed fast for him at that age, but it was all in front of him. Adult life. It was the start of his real journey. You don't know that you should be clinging to childhood while it's happening. You spend the first 15 or so years in a state of learning and a carefree existence. You don't yet have your wheels on the pavement. You are still in the middle of feeling that childhood even as you are becoming an adult with responsibility gaining on you. 

It's only when you reach a certain age that you say "Oh shit.....it's here. Life is here. Time is not on my side the way it once was." At different times you take stock the best you can. Knowing that you were too young to appreciate what it meant to have youth. "Youth is wasted on the young" as the man in a great movie once said. So, what we can do is stop and see where we are now. At 40. At 50. At 60. At 70. In my case at 56. Closer to 60 than 50. Where did that time go? Regrets are useless unless you can make amends for any pain you have caused. For the things you can't "fix", you have to let it go, but not really. They will visit. In the middle of the night or at times when you are alone and perhaps digging into some music that brings up a memory that perhaps would be best left buried. We have to let those things go. The things we can't do anything about. Pray, meditate, do a little Gestalt work.....whatever it takes to put those things (the demons?) to rest. 

The flip side is taking stock of it all and where are we going to go from here. To this point, I have mixed up the personal with the figurative "we". The "we" that may have commonality on those things. Hell, if that's not you, stop reading. It's OK. Don't create concern, worry, or thought that isn't a positive. 

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

Looking back at the years gone by like so many summer fields

'65, I was 17 and running up 101

I don't know where I'm running now, I'm just running on

Running on (running on empty)

Running on (running blind)

Running on (running into the sun)

But I'm running behind

Life will pass you by. Browne immediately takes stock in it from the opening lyrics. It's rolling on and you can't hit the brakes. He is on a path, but he doesn't know where it will eventually lead. Do any of us? You start having the realization that the road is going to end, but we are all running hard, chasing the sun and that sun is eluding us. Always in the distance, as if it's a destination. He didn't care at age 17, didn't give it a thought. The road went on forever. 

Gotta do what you can just to keep your love alive

Trying not to confuse it, with what you do to survive

'69, I was 21 and I called the road my own

I don't know when that road turned into the road I'm on

Running on (running on empty)

Running on (running blind)

Running on (running into the sun)

But I'm running behind

Growing into adulthood, responsibility takes hold. You get into the "I have to" pretty quick. I have to get a job, because I have to pay for the house and I have to take care of my wife and child. The carefree road of 17 has changed, no longer can you be carefree. You still don't know where you are going to go ultimately. What will life bring? It's all in front....still chasing the sun. Not catching up. You grab material, you grab relationships, you start making sacrifices for comfort. You settle in a little. 

Everyone I know, everywhere I go

People need some reason to believe

I don't know about anyone, but me

If it takes all night, that'll be all right

If I can get you to smile before I leave

At some point, we start understanding that it's life. This is what is happening for everyone, to varying degrees. We search for meaning in our loves, possessions, work......we are in the middle of it all. Browne recognizes that and states it with "people need a reason to believe", but immediately follows up with "i don't know about anyone but me", recognizing that he's not sure that everyone else feels the way he does and doesn't want to speak for them and comes to the point of knowing his best life is being a positive presence. I have only recognized that in the last few years. I have tried to change my persona. My internal "Freddy" can sometimes feel different than what I project. I have awoken to the realization that the only thing I will really leave is how those that knew me will think of me and even how they feel or think about me now. The need to be better, despite any external stimulus and events. Make a positive impact and make certain those that I love know that I do care for them and love them. I don't have a lot left in the tank, but it's enough to make people feel better about their lives and who they are. Be the things I have gotten and try to be the things I needed, but perhaps didn't get. 

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels

I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels

Look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through

Looking into their eyes, I see them running too

I started realizing a short time ago that the road (life) is rushing under my wheels....I am still plowing on towards the sun that I seem to never catch up to. When I finally do, it will be setting, won't it? I don't know how to make sense of it all, other than to take stock. Part of that taking stock is hitting me a little harder than I thought it might. My grandfather built his families home when I was a baby. The house is "home" to me, even though I only lived there for short periods of my life. He hand dug the basement. He built it solid. He made it to please my grandmother and did it out of love and to make sure she had a solid foundation and surroundings to raise a family. That's leaving. The house is being sold. It's the right thing. It's time for someone else to love the house, the property and forge memories around it. It's time for new people to love it. My family and I will be ghosts. 56 years of ghosts that the new owners won't see. They won't know the love, the hardship, the pain, the hugs, tears, kisses, and arguments that made that place home and a factor in lives that still move on. Soon, it will all be memory...like it wasn't already, right? 

I always had a fear that I wasn't keeping up. That my friends were adults with lives that they had carved out, knowing what was ahead and enjoying the moment. Like they had arrived. In recent years I have come to understand that they are sharing the same feelings I am. They are chasing the sun with life rushing past them too. Taking stock. Being uncertain. Still trying to find contentment. Waiting for a life to begin that they know already has and they just didn't hear that starting gun. I'm not alone. We are all in it together. 

Honey, you really tempt me

You know the way you look so kind

I'd love to stick around, but I'm running behind

(Running on) You know I don't even know what I'm hoping to find

(Running blind) Running into the sun, but I'm running behind

Standing still isn't an option. Many of us like the thought of that. Personally, I have to come to grips with change and change that I wasn't prepared for. Losing pieces of my life that I never thought I would. Knowing that ultimately, that is going to happen for everyone....but somehow, I didn't think it would apply to me. Right now looks pretty good to me, which I feel in the lyric "the way you look so kind". But, like every passing year behind me, this is going to be fleeting also. It's going to rush past me. I'd love to stick around, but I'm running behind, right? I don't know what I'm moving towards, but the inevitable is leaving this consciousness. Leaving my family, friends, co-workers....all the connections. Or, I last long enough for them to leave me. 

I still feel like I'm moving forward, but I sure would like it to stall out for awhile. To be able to enjoy my family as they are. To express love to my wife in a way that I may not have been able to as a younger man. To enjoy my daughters before they start hitting those "I have to" stages and begin to realize they are also running on empty and the road is rushing under their wheels. To give companionship and love to my friends and try to make their lives better in the rare times we spend together. I always say I hate getting older, but as a couple of friends have told me "Freddy, it beats the alternative.". I guess they are right.

 I'm "running on empty"....always have been, I just didn't know it. Do any of us, until we hit a certain age or point in our lives? 

Taking stock in it all without dwelling in it feels like a positive, but it's not easy. Emotions are conjured up. Memories. Some good, some bad. If I knew that I would miss my past this much, I would have appreciated it more, but here I am, still running on empty and I don't even know what I'm hoping to find. None of this is feeling sorry for myself at all. Just a look at where I am and sometimes I like to share that. It's a snapshot of my mindset just having turned 56, and losing the feeling of "home". Many more years behind me than in front. 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I suppose it's become evident that I'm not writing about the song really. I'm writing about my feelings and the song is just a facilitator for my expression. Hmm...OK....

Closing Out 2020 With Thankfulness

Hello, it's Christmas Eve morning and I felt like jotting down a few things. The past year has been wild and seemingly without a lot to celebrate. Alas, I am here to cheer you up (or at least try to make your thoughts a little less grim)! The things to celebrate, are probably closer to "real" than the things we usually point to. They are a bit deeper and more in touch with our humanity. I'm not going to tell you there haven't been a lot of downs and reasons to be out of sorts, but so often the negative dominates the positive. We dislike and fear that feeling, so when it permeates our routines, we forget to see the positives that are still around us.

If you are reading this, you are still here and "survived". For 95% of the people on earth, I'm sure still breathing is decent enough, seeing how the alternative holds permanence....as far as we know. I am thankful to still be here and able to enjoy every day, even if it's in a small way. Enjoying a laugh. Sharing a hug. Listening to someone tell you how excited they are about something or another. Having a good slice of pizza or a two finger pour of a favorite bourbon. I like to be able to sit and clear my mind every day, which is a luxury all of us can give ourselves, even if only for a few minutes.

Take the time to put the negative aside and think on those things we often overlook and take for granted. I have much more to be happy about or thankful for than I realize and some of those things should loom large in my life and this is a reminder to myself to allow it. 

I am thankful for my family and the time we have spent in the past year together, even when we may have picked at each other or been frustrated at the circumstances. Having extra time and really, just being in proximity of my children as they grow up is a blessing in itself. More than I deserve! The love I have for my wife is immeasurable and she definitely makes my life "work". My love is best expressed to and through my "girls". I'm thankful that my mom has apparently kept the cancer away and is doing well and that my wife's mother and father, while having some health issues, are still doing well enough to keep on keeping on! 

I am thankful that I work for a company that didn't gut itself by laying off employees to take advantage of the down turn of the pandemic. I am very thankful for the handful of friends that are as much family to me as anyone I share blood with. I love 'em. I got to continue to see one of my oldest and closest friends fairly regularly during the year. We helped each other through commiseration and laughter. I have also seen my other friends, not as frequently, but enough to know our bonds are strong. We used technology to get together and when we felt we could, we spent time in each others presence. We continued "Director Day", doing so over Zoom for one of our dates. We "gifted" each other throughout the year, knowing we are still on each others minds. 

My life is going about as well as can be expected, given my age and health. I don't have much of a quarrel with how things are personally. I know there are a lot of people out there hurting, some worse than others. Those are people I feel for. My family tries to be charitable within our means and I know a lot of people do the same. That makes the world a little better....to know that we can rely on each other and if we put our egos aside and take into consideration that no matter what hardship we may face, the person we don't know, that we encounter on a daily basis, may have it even tougher. Showing kindness and patience is a great gift to give everyone we run into day in and day out. Don't give it because they "deserve" or "earn" it....but give it because of who you are. That's a gift you can give for free.

Since I don't post as often as I used to, I don't suppose I'll have anything to say before the New Year rings in. I hope that anyone reading this is doing OK and the people on planet Earth get a little better shake moving forward. 

As a man, much wiser than myself once said; 

"....but remember brothers and sisters, you can still stand tall. 

Just be thankful, for what you got."

--William DeVaughn--

We Are Breaking Down As A Nation.....

Welcome to 2020! A helluva party right? We are breaking down socially and politically. Our country is coming unglued right before our eyes....we are in the midst of a change, there can be no doubting that. We have children watching their parents and the people they are supposed to be learning life lessons from shooting each other, beating each other, and destroying property and business. They see liars and charlatans all around. Respect and taking pause before action are no longer things to be valued or taught. We have political leaders calling portions of Americans "enemies". We have leaders calling a portion of Americans terrorists. We have a president and a former presidential candidate saying they won't accept the results of the election.

We have people with their lives being destroyed over things they have written or said at much younger ages. We are getting dangerously close to compelled speech as we are told what we can and can't say. Our social media platforms, which should be awesome tools for conversation and working through differences used for making duck faces and piling hate and anger on to one another. People are starting to lose their homes. Bills are piling up. Small business' closing forever. We are on the brink of lawlessness. Our police have lost the respect and trust of a large number of people by being too heavy handed over the years and showing the inability to have empathy or to exhibit self-control in high pressure situations. We have citizens with no regard for law and order. Healthcare bills causing people's lives to be ruined, their savings to be depleted many go into depression and become suicidal. Some people want to actually protest in a peaceful manner to highlight injustice. Some people want to take advantage of that and loot and destroy our cities. Some people see that their leadership isn't reacting, so they feel the need to do so by protecting the streets. Our leadership sits on their hands and won't work together because they are scared of the mob or how many votes it may cost them. We are reflecting that in so many ways. We have a media that won't show us the truth, gaslights, and editorializes hard news to manufacture consent in the pursuit of political power and clicks. There is little hope....there is much hate.

Polls show we, as American citizens, want the following;

Campaign Finance Reform: the two parties don't

End the costly wars in the Middle East and northern Africa: the two parties don't

Stop subsidies for the fossil fuel industry; the two parties don't

Marijuana legalization/descheduling/decriminalization; the two parties don't

Universal healthcare; the two parties don't

Ending corporate welfare/bailouts: the two parties don't

Congressional term limits: the two parties don't

Our wants are not being addressed. We are at each others throats mainly due to our leadership, or lack thereof and the unwillingness to see through the long con. We have been played. We have been duped into this uber-tribal way of thinking as if our lives are ran by two sports teams. We reject compromise and talking to each other in a way that can lead to common ground and progress. We demonize each other to the contentment of the elite. The better for them to get away with pillaging our hard work, the planets resources, our liberties, and our humanity. We no longer even value our "sacred" vote. How will we ever get what we want if we don't demand it and use our votes to bring about substantial change? Aside from politics or voting, can we even put our egos aside for any sort of time that will allow us to hear and consider another opinion? Will our upheaval end up as a winner take all or will we be able to compromise into some sort of acceptable climate that we can build into a stable framework to move our country forward with? I don't know.....

Pandemics, 4/20, & Everything Else.....

NOTE: I wrote this in April...for some reason it didn't post when I scheduled it. I don't think the world missed it.

Here we are, another 4/20 is upon us. Where does the time go? This year's holiday is marred by a national lock down due to the COVID-19 virus, but since marijuana stores are deemed as "essential" business most people should be OK to celebrate, unless you are dry in a dry state. At that point, shame on you for not having an emergency stash. Smoke up Johnny! 

I've been working from home for over a month now and I can't say that I hate it. I'm not a real people person, so I tend to be able to get my work done and do it with a little less stress at home. No drive time. No burning up my gasoline. I still get up and do my normal routine, so the only difference for me is not driving to an office. I can walk 8 feet from my couch to my "office". I love it! 

Other than work, I've been enjoying the time I have been able to spend with my family. It's a second chance to connect with the kids. We have never been a family that sits down to dinner every night, but during the "lock down", we have been doing so at least 4 or 5 nights a week. It's been wonderful for me. Having my oldest home from college is nice, though I'm sure she would prefer to split her time between home and her college friends. This thing has kind of stalled out her "life development" and what she had gotten used to. 

I've also been watching some TV and listening to music more than I usually do. I have some shows I have gotten into and my friends have also been sending me suggestions. I've started texting my dad and brother a little bit and we exchange music. I don't often connect with them, so it's funny that we would be doing so while we are locked down, but I guess it's not something that I should take as unlikely, since all of us are at home with more down time than usual. 

My wife probably had the virus back in March. I don't think I've ever had a more physically and mentally wrecked week. Seeing someone in bed for nine days (that usually won't even spend a day of downtime for an illness) and not getting better was taxing, but we made it through.  I've started tuning out on the news a little, I'm just tired of the politics involved and seeing the shit show that is emerging from our leadership and from the reactions of the public in general. The information is conflicting from week to week and sometimes day to day. All I can do is stay as locked down as practical and try to wait things out. I like to control my life and this has taken that away, but I've adapted. 

During this time, I've also started cooking more than I ever have. Firing the grill up a few times a week, making BBQ and cheesy potato soup....mmm, mmm good! 

I don't really have anything else to say and this may be the most uninteresting stuff I've ever written, but I felt the need to just put some thoughts down for posterity. Hopefully anyone that reads this is doing OK and has come through the pandemic with their family and health intact. 

I Like The Sound & Love The Fury: Sturgill Simpson's "Sound & Fury"

SOUND & FURY

Sturgill Simpson has managed to do what I wasn't sure anyone could do for me anymore; introduce me to something unique musically. I need to start this off by admitting my bias. I'm a fan of Sturgill Simpson. I've poured over his lyrics, made the connections and admired the concepts of each record he has made. I suppose "man crush" could be a proper term.....I crush on the man's music. It's changed my life, much like The Beatles, The Beastie Boys, The Replacements, and Waylon Jennings have done after I absorbed their music. So, yeah, this album I'm about to talk about was going to be a tough record for me to NOT like. So, with that out of the way, I'll continue. One doesn't usually associate psychedelia, meditation, and rebellion with what most would consider a "country" artist. I am not a fan of genre, but for the sake of conversation, I do realize categorization is necessary. With the release of "Sound & Fury" I think it's safe to say that Simpson is a genre-bender on an all-time great scale. With the release of the Grammy Award winning album "A Sailor's Guide To Earth" you could feel it coming on as he started the transition away from a traditional sound to a style that was willing to dip its' toes into a lot of different musical pools, metaphorically speaking of course. 

"Sound & Fury" may not sound like the prototypical "outlaw" album, but I feel it's the most outlaw thing he's done since giving a good woman a ring. You would never describe this as honky tonk or country music, but it does have those elements soaked in that you can vaguely feel bubbling below the surface. Lyrically, Sturgill isn't too coy, but most of his fans are going to understand that he is singing to Nashville, the corporate music world, and the fame machine and there isn't much sweetness in his words. He gets his digs in. He "love(s) to say no to all the yes men, just to see the looks on their face" and announces that it's "fuck y'all season". To go along with that, the music is also a thunderous message to the establishment. He is telling them he won't be boxed in and he is separating the wheat from the chaff. This is a man letting the world know that he is going to make his art and shape his life in a way that he sees fit. There isn't much room for compromise and you can either stick with him and his art, or you can get off the bus. There is also a Japanese style anime movie released as the video track for the album. You can find that on Netflix. There are plenty of visual clues in the film that coincide directly with the message he is putting out there in the music. 

Yeah, anyone that knows me, is going to understand all of the aforementioned is in my wheelhouse. I love musicians and filmmakers that don't lock themselves into an idea of themselves, or what others see them to be. You can't move forward running in place. Sturgill keeps forging ahead and with each album release, you can feel that he is stretching his talents and challenging himself. "Sound & Fury" is a collection of music that I've heard thousands of times, yet feels fresh and special. All the boxes are checked; The Cars, ZZ Top, Pink Floyd, James Brown, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Kool and the Gang, Led Zeppelin, Giorgio Moroder among many other influences. No, you don't see Merle, Hank, or Waylon on that list. Their spirit remains, but the music is rooted in 70's hard rock, funk, New Wave, and southern style rock n roll. The guitar work is vicious and in your face at times and rarely feels restrained. Sturgill continues to impress me with his guitar work. The astute listener will hear Jimmy Page, David Gilmour and other rock gods permeating from the strings. It's a lot of fun to watch him go to work when seeing him live, but he manages to convey his energy and skill on wax as well. I'm not sure if it was any part intentional, but there is NOTHING on this record that can be played on your local Top 40 country radio station. Nashville will not be able to even try to get a hand on his coattails He has black balled them from his success. He didn't need them to become who he is. The CMA and money machine has stripped most mainstream music from Nashville of its' authenticity. To borrow the title of one of the albums strongest tracks, Sturgill is going to "Make Art, Not Friends". 

The album has been a revelation. I've never heard anything quite like it. It was like hearing "Dark Side of the Moon" or "Paul's Boutique" and being truly overcome with the feeling that what you are hearing is special. It hadn't been done THAT way before. It demands to be listened to loud. The mix pulls the vocals back into the music, so if you want to find them, you gotta crank the volume to 11. You gotta work for it. The album sleeve says it all; "Fuck Your Speakers". He is meaning to kick your ass and grab you by your metaphoric balls. "Sound & Fury" is a great headphone album. The synth grooves, vicious guitar, and relentless rhythm section give it an "ear candy" quality without being soft or immediately soothing. After a few listens, the subtlety started to emerge for me. I got comfortable with the music and the funk groove and beats started to show through and just totally hooked me. 

This is a true concept album. With each album it has felt like an evolution was taking place in the way Simpson structured song sequences and weaved a bit of a narrative from start to finish. This record sees all of that come to a head. You are hearing the collection of songs as one piece of art. The listener is along for the ride as the radio switches stations suddenly and we get a blast of something different than what we were just immersed in. On The Joe Rogan Experience, Simpson made it clear that he saw the album as one piece of music. There aren't many musicians that make albums quite like that anymore. How many artists will release and album these days with only 9 or 10 tracks? Usually you will get 13 to 15. It's all thrown at you, hoping a song or two sticks. Sturgill is about creating an experience and in my opinion, he has made his best album to date. The total package is there. The lyrics, the music, the concept, the passion, the visuals are at a peak (or are they?). Some of his fans are going to treat this like Bob Dylan going electric. That's OK, because Sturgill isn't stuck in the past. He is moving on. The anime video is moving him towards a potential new group of fans. He has a graphic novel based on the "Sound & Fury" film in the works and the musical direction is putting his sound into the ears of millennial types who may not have otherwise wanted to listen to "country" music. It's shrewd and potentially risky, although I'm not sure Sturgill would even acknowledge either. He doesn't seem like a guy that doesn't have a plan though. He is the anti-sell out. The easy move would have been to do a sequel to "A Sailors Guide...". To stay accessible for his audience and new fans, but not really challenging himself or them. With "Sound & Fury", Sturgill Simpson has set the bar high. It has quickly catapulted into one of my favorite records ever. It feels wrong to wrap this up without having mentioned Sturgill's band. They are a trio of fantastic musicians that give Sturgill the excellence that he strives for. He allows them to be a part of the process and they reward him with steady, clever, and on point craftsmanship. Drummer Miles Miller, bassist Chuck Bartels, and keyboardist Bobby Emmett are all Sturgill needs to burn a house down. Those guys can rock, they can slow it down, they can be whatever they are needed to be. 

There are a ton of reviews out there, if you like that sort of thing and I urge anyone that isn't really into sitting down and listening to an album, to perhaps turn on Netflix and check out the anime film which coincides with the album. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's a visual doorway into the music and that music is worth hearing.