Friday, December 11, 2009

I Don't Know

How is it possible for a person to be so happy, loving, fun, understanding, sentimental, curious, thoughtful, and hopeful one day and then be sad, angry, bitter, deranged, careless, mean, dispirited, down, and done the next?

Every so often, I go through a spell of wishing my existence away. Would I act on it? Probably not. But, there it is. Creeping just below the surface, waiting for a crack to form so it can wiggle to the surface. And when it gets there, I function at a low level. It spoils all of the goodwill, grace, love, and patience that I have been working towards.

I miss my grandmother. I took down my "shrine" that I put up when she died, thinking that not having the daily reminder would put my sorrow in the back of my mind. I don't understand how my wife can put up with me. I'm probably not as moody and angry as I was years back, but it can't be easy having to live in a house where you don't know what to expect out of your mate day in and day out. The only thing I can think of , is that she is indeed, the 2nd best human being I have ever encountered. My grandmother being the top. There are certain people in the world who can be gracious, kind, and giving in any circumstance. That's my wife and my grandma. Nancy gives more than she gets and isn't that usually the way it works?

I'm tired of my ears ringing, moodiness, back pain, being tired, not being motivated enough to give my kids 100%, being selfish, hating to go to work, thinking about death, waiting for more family members to get sick, old and die, not having a normal family relationship with my mom, dad, and brother, and generally being disinterested in life. In reading this, I'm sure most people who know me, won't understand. That's not how most people see me. When I'm right, I love to have fun, cut up, get to know my friends better, make others happy, and be someone to lean on. But, there is THIS side to me that I am not too bad at hiding. It's always been there, but manifested itself in different ways when I was younger; suddenly losing interest in girlfriends and treating them poorly, locking myself into having just a couple of friends, staying away from social gatherings, not working hard on athletics or school work, ripping on people, and generally being an asshole to anyone who didn't interest me.

There is so much I'd love to go back and change. But I can't. I treated some people unfairly, rudely, and down right mean. I let opportunities slip by. I let the abuse I went through as a child, to become a crutch and an excuse for my moodiness, displeasure and hate. I really felt like I was coming a long way. I have been more open and willing to embrace some things in my life in a much more positive and rewarding manner. But then, THIS happens. Ruins it all.

I'm pretty sure if you have made it this far, you are thinking "I didn't click on this site to read Freddy's depressing bullshit.". Well, I really felt like it had to come out and come out now. I don't often put my deepest feelings out for people to see. But, if I can add anything positive to this writing today, I'd like to tell you that if you know someone that suffers from depression or anxiety. Try to understand. They don't ask to feel that way. It's not a matter of just thinking "I have a lot to live for" and then going on your merry way. I'd love to just turn this off. It's not possible. I KNOW full well that I have a great life, and it doesn't matter. I still want to get in my car and drive away from everything I know. I've seen a counselor. I take medicine. I can be fine for weeks.....but it always comes back.

How do I make it stop? I don't know.

One foot in the door, the other one in the gutter
The sweet smell that they adore, well I think I'd rather smother
Are you guys still around? (I don't know)
Whatcha gonna do with your lives? (Nothin'!)
"I Don't Know"--The Replacements