Sunday, January 3, 2010

More words to hold me to......

OK, I gotta be honest here. I've made a lot of changes in my life the past 7 or 8 months. I've done my best to be more accepting, less combative, more fun, a little more laid back, and a seeker of interests other than the ones I have held for my entire life.

I don't have this hard core interest in sports like I used to, I've wrote about that. I don't have much use for religion anymore, and I've wrote about that. Through this blog and Facebook, I've actually rekindled friendships that had been worn down by time, inattention, and life moving forward. I've enjoyed that, for the most part. I took a break for a couple of weeks at one point, just to evaluate how much I needed people, who knew me as one person, to know me as someone that has changed.

I've only been close, really close, to a handful of  people in my life. I've shared insecurities, dreams, problems, success, and idle time with these people. But, honestly, can you really still feel the same about someone that you have not physically seen or spent significant time with for  20+ years?

When people who once held a very high position in your life, reveal themselves to actually feel more kinship with people they have never seen personally or even spoken too, it allows reality to set in very quickly. I don't know them. They don't know me. It's wasted time, effort and energy, isn't it? Friendship, love, rejection, intellectual honesty, and emotional attachment have no hold any longer. Is it foolish and folly to believe it does? There's a reason they are called the "good old days", they are good because they are old and gone. There isn't meaning to that time we consider sacred, other than allowing past friends to catch up and have a few laughs at youths expense. But when that's done, what's left? Nothing of any value or consequence, right? It's time spent and time gone....but again, since it's no longer REALLY, REALLY relevant, is it wasted?

We all have kids, jobs and grown up friends now. There is no reason to kiss the pasts ass any longer. It's a charade and not necessary. I had this same feeling back some time ago about reconnecting via Facebook and now it's come right back again. I expect too much. When I say something to express myself I wouldn't expect any friend I have to throw it in my face, and someone shouldn't expect that I react emotionally. But, this is on me.....I'm expecting someone, who doesn't even know me as an adult, to treat me like a friend, and understand me over the internet. I am the one who wrote my feelings down and put them on the internet for anyone to read. I am the one who posted the link to my writings on my Facebook account. So, this blog will no longer be a part of anything other than what it is. If it gets found and read.....great. If not, it's still mine. They are still my thoughts, feelings, and expectations and that's enough for me. I put my fears, confusion and doubts on my sleeve, so I have to take the hit.

Obviously, from the words I have written in this blog, I'm no longer allowed to discuss sports, right? :-)  I'll have to keep that in mind if I ever decide I want to revisit Christ and religion again.  Like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict, it's hard to wrestle yourself away from old ways. Sports has been a religion for me and to try to push against that has been hard. Almost as hard as my battle with my religious beliefs. It's personal and not a joking matter to me. Some people exercise to blow off steam, some people draw to release artistic tendency, and I write to push out feelings that are sometimes confusing and at odds with my beliefs and personality. If  I can't take those things seriously, or have them taken seriously by friends, it's just one more avenue that I don't get to pursue in trying to find out who I am at my core.

Between family and friends, let no word go without scrutiny and punishment.