Sunday, May 2, 2010

Seeing A Man About A Dog At Work: A survivors guide

I'm not gonna shit you here, this topic is crap. Yes, it's not something everyone wants to talk about
but it's something we all have to do sooner or later. The topic is......public pooping. I'm not going into
any detail about the actual act of pooping. We've all been there and done that. After this, there
should be no more poop topics. This should be left in the water closet.

Nobody wants to follow a pooper into the bathroom. Most of us just want to piss, wash off our hands
(well, most of us anyhow), and get the hell out of there. At work, it's just really most uncomfortable of all
situations. They can see your feet, you can see theirs and everyone is exposed. You know who is
pooping and the pooper knows that you know that he/she is pooping. It can make for an awkward
moment if not an awkward day.  You just can't walk in and walk right back out, then you have to hold
your piss, and others then know that you are holding your piss like a 5 year old trying to get through
an episode of  "Dora The Explorer" without wetting themselves.  And if you go right in afterwards, you
may have to do that  "gas mask" move where you pull your shirt up over your nose and mouth, thus
stretching out your shirt, and who wants to trash their "2004 Red Sox World Champions" t-shirt to
the car wash pile?

We are a civilized society and we like to think of ourselves as progressive. So why don't we have a
system in place that will allow others to know when you are strolling in to survey your kingdom on
the porcelain throne? There should be a signal or a place on the door to say "Enter At Your Own
Risk" or "Have A Heart, Let Me Poop In Peace". And another thing, if I'm at work and my co-worker
gets to take 30 or 40 minutes to poop, shouldn't I be compensated in a similar fashion with a
break? How about a nappy? Between smoking and pooping, some people only have to work about
2 hours out of an 8 hour shift. When's gonna be my time, oh Lord? When's gonna be my time!? Getting paid to poop almost makes it a profession! I have to start eating more bran.

One more friendly tip: If you do have to work poop, don't come out giving a blow by blow account or
description. We don't need a FOX News Alert from Sean Hannity about your dookie pushing.

Myself, I don't like public pooping. I'd rather walk in on someone performing beastiality than walk in
on a pooper. And nothing is worse than when you HAVE to poop at work and someone grabs the
stall door and shakes it. "Hey, leave me alone, jackass...I'm pounding one out, find another drop off
point, this one is reserved!" I'm all for comfort, I have the paper I want at home and I can be as
demonstrative as I have to be to get the job done effectively and efficiently. You people should train
yourselves to drop the kids off at the pool on your own time. Leave the rest of us alone when you are
delivering the brown baby. Go in the morning and/or at night. For God's sake, someone had to say
all this, I'm just sorry it was me.

I'm going to help you public poopers out by posting a set of rules and terms for getting through your
dirty work. The following "survival guide" is not mine. It can be heisted all over the internet. But it's a code that each of us should try to follow, when we take the Browns to the Super Bowl.