Sunday, October 16, 2011

Looking Back......


     Looking back at the past few years, I am coming away with the feeling that I've changed quite a bit more than I had previously believed. Lately, my reactions to different (seemingly negative) situations have varied. Sometimes, I let things roll off my back, sometimes I just laugh, and other times, I sort of lose my mind. To me, that's a win. OK, maybe not a "win", but I think I'm ahead going into the 4th quarter. 

Most of my life, I've worn my emotions on my sleeve and have dealt with stress by going into a depressive state or by lashing out. I've always tried to be a problem solver and that usually worked when dealing with other people's problems. With my own, I wasn't so good. I'm still not great at it, but I do think I'm learning. 

Thing is; I want to be a person that others can rely on. I want to be a person that my wife and kids love to be around and can trust to be a consistent person day in and day out.  Like anyone else, I need to be accountable to myself for what I say and do. And to make that a reality, I've tried becoming more self-aware. 

Guilt is something I carry around with me constantly. If I don't have anything to feel guilty about, give it a day or two and I'll always find something. Why is it so easy to forgive others, but so terribly hard to forgive myself? How is it that I can see the big picture for others, but my life narrows into pressure packed moment and basically a standstill when I confront my own issues? 

Not sure about the answers, but I'm working on it. Hopefully I can prove to my family, friends, co-workers and eventually to myself that I can be the best Freddy I can, much more often than not. 50/50 or even 70/30 isn't good enough for me. Live in the moment and do not fret over what I can't control. I should have that tattooed on my forehead. But then, I wouldn't be able to see it would I? Just another problem. Where to put the tattoo?