Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Louisville Purge: A Journal

On August 15th, 2014, from 8 pm to 6:30 am local time, Louisville, Kentucky was brought to its' knees by threats of mayhem. Facebook, local sports message boards, and Instagram were all a flutter with concern and fear over the impending doom of "The Purge". My Space was also abuzz, as all 7 people left on that site were discussing how to deal with what was to come, in between sharing audio of their band garage rehearsals. Apparently, "The Purge" is a movie about there being a night, once a year, where people are free to do as they please. No law. No rules. So, if you wanted to go into a McDonald's with no shoes and no could....and get service! If you didn't want to tip your pizza guy....hey, fair game! Seat belts? Forget about into a damn tree if you want. Tear the tags off your mattress? Do what you gotta do! Order red wine with fish.

My family was pretty upset about this, so we decided we would take action as a family and "hole up" in our basement. Since this could very well be our last night on the earth, I decided I would keep a journal. Perhaps in the future, this journal would be read in classrooms all over the world as an inspiring story of how one family was able to ride out the chaos of the very first year that "The Purge" was instituted in our formerly meek and fair city. 

I warn you: some of the events depicted in my journal are not for the faint of heart. It's a hard hitting and often challenging look at what happens when a family of four and a Cocker Spaniel are forced to spend hours together on a Friday night.

Journal Entry: 8/16/2014 

7:30 PM
My family and I are almost finished boarding up the windows. We have preemptively set both of our cars on fire, hoping this will lead would be "purgers" to believe our property had already been destroyed and our home invaded with possible physical casualties. My wife has gathered up our food rations for the evening and I have pulled together some necessities. For the sake of time, I will list them all together and not worry about writing down who brought what.

Ordered Dominos pizza and cinnamon sticks
3 two-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper
Bottled Water
1 bag of Funyuns
Granola Snacks
A pipe
4 Slim Jims
6 pack of Yoo Hoo
pistol with 5 bullets (in case our fortress is breached)
1 box of Little Debbie Star Crunches
1/4 oz of Sour Diesel

7:45 PM
I encourage my children to call their "Nanna" and "Grammy", as they will likely never see them again and wanted them to have a fond fair well memory. I have a 200 count box of  3 inch carpentry nails and will use every last one of them to secure the two doors that lead into the basement, along with the small window.

7:59 PM
We are in. I asked the children to pray to the god of their choice that we be spared.

8:15 PM
I hear the doorbell ring upstairs. There is furious knocking. Has it started? Are people trying to get in to hurt us or are people seeking shelter? The knocking continues. It sounds thunderous as it tortures us. Someone up there is really angry. 

8:20 PM
The profuse banging on the door has stopped. I hear a very clear voice scream "Thanks a lot you asshole!!!" I am sure it was someone wanting to take refuge. I pray they survive and begin to weep because I could offer no shelter. 

8:25 PM
My wife has to pee. Seriously? She always does this sort of thing. 10 minutes into a road trip....pull over. 25 minutes into Louisville's first purge and she has to go. I console her, but can't help but resent that she should have went before I nailed the doors. Not having proper restroom facilities was something I did not prepare for. I will make a note of it.

8:45 PM
My youngest wants to know where the Dominos pizza and cinnamon sticks are. I'm not sure. The delivery guy never did show up. 

9:00 PM
I am elected "President" of our group. The vote went as follows:  Me: 1  My Wife: 1  My Oldest Daughter: 1  My Youngest Daughter: 1  The Dog: Abstained
As the elder (and biggest) of our group, I seized control.

9:15 PM
I have begun to ration the food. We have some Funyuns and Dr. Pepper. My youngest decides to entertain us by singing "Happy". 

9:25 PM
I wish I had brought duct tape. She really needs to shut up. The dog is barking continuously. I'm on the brink of insanity. It's a madhouse.....A MADHOUSE!!!!

9:28 PM
I slide into the closet with my sour diesel and pipe. Reach into my pocket. Seriously? I didn't bring a lighter. 

9:35 PM
We have decided to watch a movie to take our minds off the fact that everyone has to pee worse than a Russian race horse. Despite having to pee, they are continuing to drink Dr. Pepper at what I can only assume is a record pace.

9:40 PM
By democratic vote, we will be watching "Grown Ups: Part 2". Voting as follows- Big Lebowski: 1, The Notebook: 1, Grown Ups Part 2: 2, Hotel for Dogs: 1

9:50 PM
I pull rank and take "Grown Ups: Part 2" out of the DVD player. A man can only handle so much before he breaks. It's time to teach these kids about life. I put in "The Purge".

10:15 PM
I wonder why the hell they never delivered that pizza. 

10:25 PM
The movie has terrified my youngest. She is squirting tears....for fear. My wife is looking at our bank account and questioning why there are so many purchases from Amazon. The oldest is trying to break out of the window. The movie has convinced her that the purge is a good idea. She has already broken my skull bong. I fear for my lava lamp. It's getting intense. And would someone shut that fucking dog up?! I am on the cusp of declaring martial law and imposing a state of emergency. It's possible that I may have to go to my Jose Canseco model Louisville Slugger mini-bat to restore order. 

10:35 PM
The police scanner said that a local Circle K was just hit. Details were not clear, but at least one jar of pickles, a pack of condoms, and a Bargain Mart were stolen along with the entire contents of the "Take a Penny, Leave a Penny" tray. Savages. 

10:40 PM
We finally relent. Everyone has to pee really bad and my youngest might have to go number 2. We'll have to use my JK Rowling autographed trash can. It's shaped like Ron Weasley. With the mouth being the trash receptacle.  Awwwkwaaarrrd!

10:50 PM
Some musings; Star Crunches suck. Just realized this is the longest amount of time I have ever spent in the proximity of these people. Will Ben Affleck make a good Batman? There has to be a lighter here somewhere. 

11:00 PM
Finally, everyone is settling down to go to sleep. I will sit up and guard us. As the man of the house, I must be vigilant. I will write an entry every hour on the hour to give an update and to stay awake. I must be strong for the family.

12:00 Midnight
Geez....I really wish I had that lighter. 

7:00 AM
OK, I guess it's over. I toughed it out and stayed up all night for the sake of the family. Time to remove the nails and go out into the world. 

7:01 AM
Shit. I hammered these nails in flush. Must create a plan of action.

7:03 AM
I was able to burst through the window. I pushed the dog out and command her to go to the neighbors house for help. 

7:04 AM
I'm not entirely sure that the dog understands what I'm asking for. She is just looking back in at us. I now realize that every last episode of "Lassie" was bullshit. 

7:05 AM
For some reason, nobody mentioned that each of them had a cell phone. We call 911 and they said they will dispatch the fire department.

9:30 AM
Fire department arrives. They are bursting through the door. Thank goodness. The Ron Weasley trash can is getting a little "loud".

9:35 AM
The fire chief says the city will send me a bill for $500. I call bullshit and will obviously be hiring an attorney. I pay taxes and they are public servants. 

9:45 AM
This is my final entry. We survived. Perhaps the toughest night of my life. I will go into the neighborhood and survey the damage. Is it bad to hope that the guy down the street was overrun by hoodlums? He has a really nice hosta plant that I would love to put into our landscape. My final message is this: keep hope alive. Prepare and survive. If I can do it, so can you. My family is putting the pieces back together. We will rebuild. Now, I gotta call Dominos and give them a piece of my mind!

11:00 AM
An update:  I thought I would share a few pictures of the damage that was brought upon my property.