Thursday, February 3, 2011

You Might Be An A-Hole!

Awhile back some hillbilly comedian made a living off of the phrase "You might be a redneck if....". The beginning was always the same, but the punchline was usually something to the effect of "you have a couch and a fridge on your front porch."  Never hurts to poke fun at someone and rednecks are no exception to this. Today, I want to call out the assholes of the world. You may or may not be one. You may be aware that you are and you may not. Well, I'm going to give you a guide to help you identify the assholes in our world.

You might be an asshole if.......

*you buy $50 worth of lottery scratch-offs and insist on scratching them off right there at the register

*you carry on about how "gay" Dancing With The Stars is, but you TIVO every episode of Jersey Shore

*you bitch about the over paid cry babies in baseball while wearing a Yankees cap

*you drive a Hummer

*you call in to work and tell your boss "I have the shits." Come on now, make something up, like, you hit a water buffalo on the way in and your car is totalled.

*you tip a waitress more if she is good looking, as if she's going to blow you because you dropped an extra $2 on the table

*you carry on and on about how great your high school days were. Hey, nobody gives a shit but you. Grow up and get on with your life. The days of cruising for chicks at the Piggly Wiggly are in the rear view mirror.

*you say "I'm not racist but...." and then you go on to tell a "nigger" joke. Here's a ARE a racist, so keep in mind that the rest of us probably are not. The south lost. Get over it.

*someone calls you and it's obviously a wrong number and you just have to ask "what number did you dial?". Well, whose phone rang, idiot.

*you support treating animals humanely, but don't support homosexuals having the same rights as you have.

*you swear by MSNBC and NPR, but call FOX news biased.

*your name is Justin Bieber, Mitch McConnell, or Brett Favre.

*you hate, hurt, or kill because an ancient "holy" book tells you to. Hey, if you hate someone because of a god, you really need to stop and just think about that for a little while.

*you say "Cold enough for you?" or  "Hot enough for you?"  Is that really all you have to offer up as conversation?

*you blow up a bowl of chili in the microwave and leave it for someone else to clean. 

*you believe Eddie Vedder is a modern day Jim Morrison. They're both overrated puds.

*you are a smoker who insists on pitching their butts out the car window.

*you stare at the menu at McDonald's and say "Ummmmm....." Hey, it's Mc-Friggin'-Donalds. Get a number 3 and get on with your life. What are you looking for, a wine list?

*you call Trekkies nerds, but your web handle is "R2D2Fan" or "Nerf Herder"

*you have personalized plates that start out "TOO" or "2". No, you are not too cool, bad, or sweet. You are a dip shit.

*you voted for Ralph Nader, but think Ron Paul is a crackpot

*you choose 10 minutes into film at a movie theater to start talking to your friend about a boil you found on your ass. Shut up. I wanna watch the movie I just paid $38 to see along with my popcorn and small pop

*you write a blog telling your 3 or 4 readers what is wrong with everyone else in the world (whoops)

There are a thousand more of these, but I thought I'd share just a few with you. Feel free to add any in the comment section below. I reserve the right to change, add or delete any of the above. Especially if I'm guilty of violating any of them.

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?"
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Asshole Song---Dennis Leary