Friday, December 21, 2012

12/21/2012: I'm Still Here, Now What?

Alright then.....thanks for nothing. Fuckin' Mayans. All this build up for the past four or five years and here I sitting in a warm house with my little ones safely tucked in and me in my pajamas with the feet in 'em typing on my computer. Where is the mayhem? Where are the meteors? Where is Planet X? I was ready to embrace the horror and this is the devastating scene from my back yard as winds whipping at speeds of up to 50 MPH struck!?!?

I know I should be thankful, but I am decidedly NOT thankful. I've invested some time and effort into this day coming. I was ready to have the last laugh and now I have to deal with the aftermath of nothing happening. How do I come back from this? 

For the past two years, I watched about 37 You Tube videos and kept up with 11 blogs that laid out, in perfect detail, the end of times. They couldn't all be wrong, could they? Why would they tell lies and deceive me? I took them to heart and just stopped caring about what I ate and what I did. Does anyone know how awesome that is? To just not care! Oh, how grand it was. I put Elizabeth Taylor and Chris Farley to shame. Chicken wing Wednesday. Steak Saturday. Sundae Sunday. Muncho Monday. Saturated fats at every one of the six daily meals I had! I super sized everything. I haven't had a glass of water or a piece of fruit in 23 months! I did a reverse Jonah Hill!! Do you appreciate how hard it's going to be to lose the 100 lbs I carelessly gained? 

I also quit my job! Can any of you even know where I was in life just a couple of years back? I was living the dream in middle management. Working hard to make sure the last line of defense between the company and the customer was up to par. Getting groused at by people who weren't my boss. Had my own office with a window that over looked shelving full of awesome internal engine parts. Two weeks of vacation time every year! Managing people who could barely make it in sober if they made it in at all and then having to hear shit if I couldn't get them to work like they were on a southern cotton plantation in 1855. I had it made. I was going places. Hell, after 16 years, I had $7,000 in my 401K and would have been able to retire comfortably at the age of 149. I was living a dream!

For the sake of full disclosure, honesty, and transparency, I did some things that in retrospect probably weren't so smart now. You have to know though, that I would never do these things if I didn't think the world was coming to an end. 

1) Told my kids that every sneeze took a week off their lives and they need to hold it in. 

2) Tipped a stripper $600 last May for grinding on my Pepe' and had to take my wife to Sizzler for our 20th anniversary. (hell, I didn't think it would matter, you would have done the same)

3) Watched "The Walking Dead" straight through on Netflix. Now what?

4) I was asked to co-host a late night Internet radio show a few weeks ago and told the guy ; "Saw off a chair leg and sit on it you asshole, don't you know the world is ending?" (kind of wish I hadn't done that now)

5) I left the lights on, the heat blasting, and all of my water faucets running for the past month. I'm guessing those bills are going to have to go on a payment plan.

6) I've been littering, speeding, driving without a seat belt, jaywalking, and tearing tags off of mattresses for months and never paid any of the tickets I got. 

7) I've been stealing my neighbors Wi-Fi and downloading scat porn using his accounts. I mean, one of my other neighbors has been stealing that neighbors Wi-Fi and downloading scat porn using his accounts.

8) Before turning in last night I called and told my cousin her husband had been sleeping around on her and he had another family living in the Highlands. It's not true, but a great end of times practical joke. 

9) I used my kids college savings to buy a Mickey Mantle rookie card, and then set it on fire. (I always thought it would be cool to be able to spend money like that)

10) I purposely got hooked on heroin. It felt great. Not really sure what to do about that now.

11) I haven't paid taxes for three years and sent a certified letter to the IRS yesterday mocking their inability to collect.

12) I bought $13,000 worth of furniture on a "Pay Nothing Until 2013" deal. 

As you can see, I put a lot of stock in this Mayan calendar thing. I feel jipped this morning. It's not fair. I did what any normal person would do upon finding out the world was ending. If anyone would like to help me out, I really would like to know when the NEXT end of the world deadline is so I can start planning now. Perhaps this hasn't all been a wash and I'll just have to shine all this on for a little while longer. Oh, well, at least I enjoyed myself! What the hell have you done while I was having fun over eating at strip club buffets, having promiscuous and unprotected sex with men and women I met on the street, sharing needles, watching reruns of Different Strokes, choking the life out of stray kittens and giving my kids bad life advice for laughs!?!?

Don't you judge me!