Well, it's finally here. The rapture and the beginning of the end. As a young Christian I was always reading about this day and what it would be like. It's a bit different than most of the "end times" books that I read in my youth. The ones that terrorized me, yet held a strange fascination in my mind. We are one day away from hell on earth beginning and I feel like I've been short changed. I don't have the number 666 on my right hand or forehead. I was told that would be VERY important at this time. Where are the mass beheadings? Where is our one world leader? Donald Trump? Katy Perry? Ryan Seacrest? Where are the Four Horsemen (unless you count Harris, Hitchens, Dawkins, and Dennett)? Where is the damned Whore of Babylon? You can't have an end of the world without that bitch slumming around, now can you?
Perhaps the best way to approach this thing is to get crackin' on my "To Do" list. And there is sooo much to do between now and tomorrow night. Sure, I can clean the bathroom on Sunday morning, but my wife and kids will have probably flown up to heaven, so why bother? So, I better take care of that today. What other things might one do, before the clock strikes midnight? Or six o'clock as it were?
Here is my list of things to do before the Rapture / Apocalypse:
1) Go ahead and skip to the last episode of Lost on DVD. No sense in spending my time seeing how Sayid, Jack, and Hurley (my vote for worst fat guy name in TV history) get to the end.....I just wanna see it. And I'm hoping they do a nude scene involving Kate.
2) I suppose I should finally go ahead and make up my mind on whether I support the death penalty or not. I'm going to say no. Because if I have to start killing the walking dead starting on Sunday, I don't wanna be sitting on death row, wasting away when Satan is released. It would be so easy to catch me.
3) Eat a banana split. I've never had one. But they have always intrigued me. Ohhhh....who am I kidding. I'll just "wussy out" at the last second and get the chocolate malt, like I always do.
4) Check on my status as clergy. I'm an "ordained" minister now..... who isn't these days.....and I'd like to see if that scores me any points.
5) Go to a used car lot and constantly refer to the salesman as "Kemo Sabe". When he's tired of that and asks me to stop, I'll call him an asshole and walk away. Who wants to buy a car from an asshole like that, anyhow.........am I right or am I right?
6) Walk up and down Broadway with a bullhorn and a sandwich board sign letting everyone now that the "End Is Now". That crazy assed guy with the bus says the Bible says it. 'Nuff said!
7) Watch the Red Sox play, one last time. Hope for a win, but expect a loss.
8) Mow the grass. That's the last thing I want on my mind as I'm trying to escape all the turmoil, death, and destruction on tap for this weekend.
9) Buy some rope. Tie it to the dog's leg. Hey, I'm not letting Jesus take the whole she-bang!! I want at least one member of the family to hang out with.
10) Watch "The Big Lebowski" one more time.
11) Finally, after the Rapture, I figure I'll pretty much be single. So, it wouldn't be wrong of me to move on, right? If the world is in chaos and billions are dead, that may move me up the ladder at getting a shot with Elizabeth Banks.
12) OK......"Thriller" is overrated. There. I said it. So sue me.
13) I don't really have a last meal planned. I believe that the picture below explains where my next restaurant experience may be.
Everyone have a fabulous Saturday!
Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye
Skeeter Davis
