Soccer Sucks!
Let's face facts. Soccer is never going to be a popular spectator sport in the USA. Argue with me all you want, but you will be wrong. Sure, a lot of kids play soccer. But, when they grow up, they play football, basketball, or baseball, because with age comes wisdom. The good athletes with no hand/eye coordination will continue to play soccer, drink exotic coffee at Starbucks and quote Eddie Vedder like he's Shakespeare. That person will probably drive a Volvo, with "Save The Sea Monkies" and "Don't Blame Me I Voted For An Inconsequential Nader" bumper stickers.
Soccer just isn't fun to watch. It's, for lack of a better term, amuck! Sure, you can tell who's on what team, but at times, it's like they are all on the same team and the goal of the game is to not have any goals. If I see an MSL score (and why should I?) crawl across the bottom of the screen on ESPN 6.5, and that score is 2-0 with 187 minutes to go, I know that it's a blowout and there is no way the team with no goals can win. It's an unsurmountable lead! But, sometimes, when that 187 minutes (and that's just the regulation time of the 2nd half) runs out, they will add more time to the clock! What the hell???? Who does that? It's cruel and unusual that there even IS soccer, let alone they add minutes when the match should be over! Did the Phillies get another inning after Joe Carter hit the homer of Mitch Williams? Did the Rams get a fresh set of downs and time put back on the clock when Torry Holt just missed getting into the end zone against the Patriots? No, they lost, and they went home.
And speaking of losing and going home.....it's not OK to incite mayhem, panic, looting, and destruction because your team won or lost a "match". These "hooligans" are morons. First, because they actually care about soccer and second because they don't mind having their skull caved in by a pick axe to prove it.
I have to pick on this too.......no sport should EVER end in a tie. That includes NFL football. But soccer takes it to a new level because they actually have as many ties as wins and loses. How do you run around expending all sorts of energy for hours on end and have the damn game end in a tie? Where is the pay off? How in the hell can a person become a fan of a game that can produce a games worth of highlights in less than 2 seconds? Because if it's not a goal, there is NOTHING else to show.
Hey, bouncing the ball off your head is NOT cool. It's the kind of thing that if it happened to you in grade school, it would have an effect on your social life until you were put in your coffin. And even then people would say "Yeah, he was a total tool, he used to bounce a ball off his head all the time." It's almost as bad as Haki Sak, but not quite. To finish up, I'll tell you how I really feel. I know I'm not alone in this sentiment; I would rather have a character created by Rob Zombie slam the business end of a claw hammer into the back of my head and drag me through Death Valley, while I'm being slowly picked at and eaten by buzzards, coyotes, and the band "Skid Row", rather than watch soccer.
Here is a list of things that SUCK, but are still, somehow, better than soccer; the aforementioned Haki Sak, the comedy stylings of Rita Rudner or Margaret Cho, brussel sprouts, drowning in your own vomit, the movie "Cabin Boy", the song "Wind Beneath My Wings", reality TV, the Kansas City Royals, "starring William
Shatner", Juliette Lewis, Tesla, mowing the grass, grout work in the bathroom, food poisoning, working double shifts in a South American sweatshop manufacturing Nike's and Fruit Of The Loom products for 19 cents an hour and all the warm water you can drink, standing in line at the DMV, anal fissures, and finally, impotence.
