Friday, May 17, 2013

Freddy Closes His Mind For Repairs

I started writing this blog in August of 2009. Seems like a short time in many ways, but I feel like it's been 1,000 years. I've really become a different person. In the 4 years I've been maintaining this, there have been plenty of changes and many of them I've documented along the way. I always kept you "in the loop" about what was happening with me and how I was seeing the world. I've been over the top. I've been subdued. I've been sarcastic. I've been (at least I hope so) funny. But above all that, I have been honest. 

I'm on my third job in that time frame. That's after being at a job for a stable 16 years. I stopped taking prescription medicine. I've started taking "non-prescription" medicine at times. I went from feeling underwhelmed by adult life, to embracing the moment as often as I could (and then going back to the old way). I stopped idolizing grown men chasing balls (yeah, I laughed too) and started idolizing the universe. I stopped following a religion. I started searching for god, or at least the concept of what god could be. Not limiting myself to the rules of a book, what could god be? If there was a god, it must be vastly beyond our comprehension, not caring and not caring if we care. I stopped merely loving my family and started to try and experience my family. To be a part of it. 

I now realize, even through the eyes of a "history of slight mental illness" (my nod to Breakfast Club fans), that my happiness has nothing to do with anyone other than myself. But even realizing it and still not being able to put that truth into action is a curious way to react to a fact you know about yourself. 

I should be more grateful to be alive. Maybe I'm not even grateful enough for the life I've lived, which I've never put an abundance of care into, at least not on my own behalf. My life is sharing a second with the rest of you in the eternal vastness of time that has passed and time that will be. One of my favorite topics to talk about, you didn't ask?  Well, that's easy; would anything exist if there wasn't a life to exist in it? Not sure why I wrote that....well, OK....I am VERY SURE of why I wrote that, but here nor there....just thought it would be nice to share one of my favorite topics; existence.

For four years some of you, at least a few of which I'm certain, have been able to lay your eyes and ears on my favorite stuff. Movies and music mostly. They have become my passion after stopping the athletic portion of my life. I love to share how I feel about a movie or a band. It's (music/film) art to me. I have a great appreciation for what it must take to be a working professional musician, actor, comedian, etc. I hope I've turned some people on to some new stuff. Come on, I gave you The Monkees!!!! THE MONKEES!!!! Who else can make you reconsider how you feel about The Monkees? Nobody. N-O Body.

Regrets? I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.I did what I had to do, and saw it through without exemption. I did it my way. :-) In four years time I've written, not to benefit you or anyone else, but to feed my ego. To give it nourishment, like each of us do every day. I wrote because I enjoyed expressing myself, so don't misunderstand, but I do realize that I enjoyed the bit of the "fame" it brought. And by fame, I mean any time someone tells someone else how good they are because of something they have done. I wrote to get you to tell me "good job!" Just like you do at your job or with people you admire or when you talk about an accomplishment to others. We all want a little validation and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It was much easier to get when I was younger. It came through being a wise ass and making people smile, or it came through hitting a baseball. Now, I have to be a wise ass among a sea of wise asses on the internet. Everyone clawing at mattering. Putting fucking cat pictures on Facebook, like this one;

It's a gawdammed disgrace. That's what it is. We wanna be happy, so we let it pass. We let it evolve into us and some of us let it become who we are and our validation. Our ego. Not our true selves. Not who we were born to be, but were knocked off track by adults downloading all their shortcomings and insecurities, hopes and fears into our little impressionable heads. We got hardwired by this brainwashing and the culture. We become a part of that machine and pass the same things down to our children. 

Well, with that ray of sunshine I am putting the blog on SLEEP mode. Reading some of the stuff above should let you know that this is just a part of the things that I've been living for the past four years. I no longer care if anyone knows what I think (oh, yeah?), unless it's in a discussion. In a discussion I get feedback and can learn something new to think about. I've grown a bit bored of expressing (talking about?) myself and I'm ready to exchange ideas or probably more likely, to simply think about things and make some decisions and settle on the world. 

For all of what I have just written, oops, I did it again. My ego has a full tummy and needs a nap.