I'm done. It's over. I've had it with the way I live my life.
I've tried to obtain happiness by turning to wants of the flesh and mind and ignoring my heart. I tried to learn to be accepting of new ideas and seeing parts of my life with a new understanding. I tried opening my eyes to the world and the universe. It's done me no good.
First, I want to say "Up Yours!!" to all those who have supported and cheered me on over the past two years. You said I seemed happier and more at peace with myself. What the heck did you know? Your deception has had me on a path to devastation. Enlightened and aware of your existence and mortality is no way to go through a life.
So, I've decided to revert back to my old ways and restart my journey. I just want to be like everyone else. It's much easier to live life in the same mindset as everyone else. Why I lost that ability? Not sure. Though I do believe that a couple of influential people in my life led me down the primrose path to hell.
In the wake of my new / old understanding, I'm embarking on a journey to get my soul back.
1) I'm done with marijuana. It's challenged the way I think about my world and led me to a more laid back way of doing things. I stopped being a disciplinarian at work. I stopped thinking about work place problems at home. I started thinking about the terrible suffering of others. What was I thinking? My life is all that matters and to have started putting an emphasis on how others feel was a big mistake. We are not meant to feel good all the time. We are not meant to get along with others all the time. We are not meant to consider more options to life's troubles.
2) I'm going to start drinking again. Now that's when I was at my best. Hanging out with my friends 2 or 3 nights/days a week. Getting blasted and making fun of people. Staggering around at public events and saying things to people that are honest and from the heart like "Hey, man....is that your dog or do you always lead your wife around with a collar on?" The best thing about alcohol is that it kept me thinking about the good times I had as a kid. And that makes me want to relate to my own children in the way that my dad dealt with me. I realize it's not as important to spend a few moments listening to your kids and enjoying their presence as it is to have them leave you alone. How in the world does my wife know that I love her if I'm not complaining about something or wanting to kill myself every other week? These are the little things folks. Enjoy them.
3) I have to get back in to a good, old fashioned, fundamentalist, fire and brimstone church. That leaves out my former place of worship, Highview. They were way into love and understanding.....that sort of thing. I need to regain the fear. I must feel that every thought is a crime against God. That's the only way that I can get back to my former self......carrying the knowledge that every thought I have is displeasing the Lord. What a huge burden to carry, but I know now that God wanted me to carry it. As a test. And even though, in my heart I'll know, after I get saved.....again..... that I'll go to heaven and I will still be able to carry with me that I'm a piece of trash human that doesn't deserve it aspect I've been missing. I need to get back to getting angry over everything in my life, that doesn't work out. Not having God made it easy for Satan to deceive me. I thought I was happy. I thought I had a better disposition. I thought it would help me to have my family enjoy my presence. I was told by someone close to me that they wish I would get back to God and that's what I intend to do!! I gotta get back my edge!
4) Freddy is back!!! Back to putting in 110% following baseball, football, and basketball. Those are the important things going on in the world. All this time I've been wasting, learning about different cultures, the cosmos, consciousness, blah, blah, blah...................all a bunch of hogwash. Those are just distractions from the things in life that are meant to bring you pleasure, hope, and understanding about the world and people around you. Who cares about Libya, Iraq, or Japan? They are so far away and I'm here. The Red Sox are on TV and they are much closer to me than some people getting killed in the middle east over power and oil.
I really hope that all the pain, hatefulness, control issues and displeasure return so I can get back to being the kind of person that people REALLY liked. There was nothing like being confused and tortured on the inside and then acting like I had my stuff together on the outside. Now, that is how to be genuine and acceptable. No, sir....no more of this showing my inner calm off. Time to move back to the future. It's time for me to hate me for who I am again!!
PS: ehhhh.......never mind