Friday, January 22, 2010


OK, this is a real treat. I love to search the internet for stupidity. I went to Google and typed in "douchebag", and then clicked "images" and what I saw was awesome. I was transfixed.....mesmerized by what I was seeing! People that I usually laugh at in my mind or point out to friends were all over the place! I clicked page after page and found some of the greatest pictures ever.

Everyone knows at least one douchebag. If you don't, that probably means YOU are, indeed, the douchebag that everyone else knows. Here in Louisville, we have a club spot known as "4th Street Live" and it's the ultimate place in Kentucky to find those who are involved in douchebaggery. There is no doubt that you have seen these guys. Usually they have a popped collar, flat bill cap (usually tilted up and to the side), unnatural looking tan and some sort of suck ass imported brew in their hand that they are too stupid to know sucks. If the douchebag is not wearing a hat, he will have mousse in his hair and it will likely be spiked.  These guys are way too cool to actually smile, so they always have this half-assed grin on their grill and wave to people by cocking an eyebrow. The douchebag, if photographed in his natural habitat (the nightclub) will usually tilt his head back and pucker his lips. Almost a "mean mug", but not quite....because the douchebag may want to give the illusion that he is a handful, but he'd really rather not get into a physical altercation, as it could end up with him having to explain to his mom why $10,000 worth of dental work got blasted across the room.

So, I will leave this blog with some pictures that will help you better identify the douchebag. If you encounter one, stay away. Do not get in the middle of his douchebaggery and be led astray. And women....he may be cute, but this the guy you want to take home to your dad? Because your dad will know the guy is a douchebag and then, through that knowledge will know that you are a bit loose, with no common sense.

This guy is a straight up douchebag. Notice nobody is standing around him. Probably because his only friend is the douchebag holding the camera.

Here we have the rare "Douche Duo". The douchebags try to look exactly alike, because they have a warped sense of what is cool and only each other to rely on to know what's NOT cool. The skanky, 56 pound girl in the middle is someone they both will "do" (and is there any doubt that these guys can't wait to cross swords?), because any self respecting woman wouldn't be able to cast eyes on these guys without laughing.

This is the quintessential douchebag. He is almost perfect in every way. Bad tan. Well maintained eyebrows. Spiked hair. Cubic zirconia ear ring. And a relatively new douchebag accessory, the head band. Oh, and lest I forget, notice the "line" beard, and smooching lips.

Here is a herd of douchebags. Usually, you won't see quite so many all in one spot. I don't think I have to point out that there are no women in the picture. Look at the guy on the far left. In his heart, he's a douchebag, but he will never reach the douchedom of his friends. He has a "Jewfro" and will not be able to attain the straight, spiked look, thus holding him back in his quest to be as douchey as his pals. When he is not around, the others usually make quite a bit of sport outta the guy, not even realizing the irony.

Here we go! This is what I'm talking about baby. These are the kind of douchebags that just make you angry to look at. They are totally distorting what it means to be a human being. Superficial, self centered, and obviously trying to be hard hitters. The guy on the right is trying to make some psuedo gang sign, knowing full well that the only gang he will likely ever be close to is of the bang variety, in which he will be the "bangee". The guy on the left couldn't be any more douched out. He is perfect in his douchebaggedness, in every way.

I give this to you as a guide. You may not know what exactly to look for when out spotting douchebags. So use my words and this photo to help you along. Take your camera if you go out hunting douchebags. They love to be photographed. And since none of them are smart enough to use a computer, you can upload their pictures without their even knowing you were mocking them.

"All I wanna know is why he's such a dick."---Golden Smog w/ Jeff Tweedy


  1. You have your finger on the Modern Pulse like few other social observers, Freddy. I salute your recognotion of those souls who my daughter will never bring home, knowing fully I will be more than happy to rearrange that dental work of which you spoke. I did have an epiphany moment with my hand wrapped around the slim neck of a "bag" once - who snuck into my house whilst I slept, hoping to score with my offspringette. I honestly believe he was less of a douche when he crawled down my stairs. So I have honestly felt I have helped in the war against baggery.

  2. Steve, I love a good story of douchebaggery stopped in its' tracks!'s not going to be too many years before I'm faced with the same task as you. Hope I'm up to it!

  3. Freddy, unless douchebags pass the 160 pound limit, take it from me - it's a snap! Oops. Did I just say that? Douchebaggery has become the only remaining avenue for weak males to pose as badass. There are so few.

  4. I kept thinking one of the pics was going to have someone from Jersey Shore in it!

  5. I'm treating the ITV boards in the manner they deserve. I have gone and taken the gloves off. Of course, that, too, is useless. We are being over run by guys who have no idea what happened in those elusive and misty realms of history - you know, last year and stuff.

  6. All I can say is.....Fred, I love you, man!!!