My Life; Where I'm At After The Storm

I've spent a lot of time in my life not liking this, that, or the other, and dismissing experiences I could have or should have had. Most of the time, it was from being afraid of going outside of my comfort zone. Sometimes I even disregarded things because so many other people liked those things. I'm hoping that maybe I've turned the corner in that regard. 

I like people much more than I let on. I always try to see the best in a person, especially those who I have a lot of contact with. Of course, there are those nameless faces out in the world that drive me nuts (bad drivers, thoughtless morons, etc), but what are you gonna do? 

Now, I'm not about to start jumping out of airplanes or climbing any mountains, but there are aspects in which I've changed a great deal. I've had my sputters over the past 18 months. I've alienated some people and pissed off others and probably even disappointed some folks. But, that was all on the way to where I'm going. Change, when it's radical and fairly swift, can throw a person off kilter. Trying to understand what I was feeling put me in a position to say some things that were not necessarily how I meant them. The most significant change has been my leaving Christianity behind. I joke about it a lot, because it helps me deal with mourning it. Believing something for so long and then seeing it crumble under the microscope of critical thought and heart felt feelings has been tough at times. It is very much like mourning. 

In my discussions with folks, I have come to find out just how many interpretations there are of Christianity and Islam (among a few other religions). Some believe in hell. Some don't. Some believe in keeping OT values. Some don't. And on and on. It sucks the life out of trying to sort through to the truth. You can put 10 Christians together from 10 different denominations and you'll get 10 different ideas on life and Biblical topics. I'm at a place where I love to discuss religion and belief. Not so much the existence of god or gods. None of us REALLY know the answer to that, do we? But we can sort through religious dogma and come to some sort of agreements as to what is positive and what is negative......or maybe not. So far, as a species, we are not doing very well at it. 

Somehow, I'm much happier in my own skin now. And this will sound weird, but, I no longer fear death. It's inevitable and for the most part, I will not be in control of when and how it happens. We all..............ALL.....must face death. We can either run from it and pretend it's not coming, or we can embrace the idea that this play is going to continue to go on, once our character gets killed off. I've concluded that my life should be about experience, sharing, open mindedness, love, and joy. My love of family comes first and everything else will just have to sort itself out as it comes along. Priorities? Not much. It's hard to have a wish list when there are so many changes happening in our world.

It may or may not be very obvious, but I do partake of the pot. With that, I've pretty much quit drinking. No more liquor buzzes and all that stuff for me. It made me feel bad. It made me feel like someone else was running the show. It led me to deny my true character. Let's be frank. I have no reason to lie to anyone. I used to drink quite a bit. I'm not an alcoholic, but at times I could see how someone could easily fall down into that rabbit hole. The drinking kept me from appreciating my life properly. Religion played a part in that too, because of all the guilt I carried every single time I did something that Jesus would "tsk, tsk" me over. Now, I'm much more apt to take things as they come and try to make the best out of situations, where before I would blow up, hand out blame, and go into a depressive shell. I do battle the depression now and again, but it happens less and less now, and I attribute it to; my wife,not drinking, backing out of religion, feeling better about who I am, letting go of the past, realizing I will not live forever, and using marijuana. I have started weening off of anti-depressants and seeing a counselor. I firmly believe that, for the first time in my life, I am headed in the right direction as a human being.

What does the marijuana do for me, you may ask? Well, for one, it's opened me to up thinking about things differently. I have let my mind out of the box I had it trapped in. I no longer believe our world is black and white. There are simply too many nuances to think that there is always just right and just wrong, without a middle ground. I really like the way it makes me feel when I'm around people. I have more patience. I enjoy the little things more. The simple stuff that I used to push away or take for granted. Now, I'm not talking about getting stoned and/or partying all the time. I'm talking about hitting a little and going about your business. I really can't explain it. To understand how using a little several times a week can change a person, you have to do it. It is what it is, and I really feel that there is nothing for me to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Anyone who thinks that it has to be a negative for my life should ask my wife or mom. They like me better, and I think some of that comes from my ability to think about my life. Sure, they'd rather that all of this change in me had come without the use of marijuana or losing my religion, but different strokes move different folks.

Here it is......for the longest stretch in my adult life, I can now honestly say the following;

I am happy.

I am happy to be alive.

I am enjoying the life I have carved out for myself and my family. 

I am not locked into any specific, rigid ideology, whether it be societal, political, or religious.

Consciousness has become very important to me. I want to be more aware of the things that go on around me and I want to see things from other points of view. It's the only way to understand the things that we can't figure out from our own point of view. Perspective means a lot. I may write another blog soon on consciousness. 

So, I know that I have kind of left the goofy stuff behind in my writing. It has not gone anywhere, I just have come to realize some things and the change in my life has led me to want to tell the tale. I don't want anyone to think I have abandoned them. My friends are still my friends.....nothing can take away time spent together and experiences we've had. Those were real and valuable. Yes, I'm different. But it was a change that I made for me and nobody else. If I didn't change, I really feel that eventually I would cave in on myself and lose my family and probably my life.

Cheers!!!!    :-)   

Depression Is....

If you are depressive or have depression (diagnosed or not), you know that it always has a way of finding you. No matter that you are feeling on top of the world for days or weeks on end, it's gonna find you. Chase it off with medicine. Self medicate. Go to counseling. Exercise. Eat better. It doesn't matter, it's gonna getcha!

Depression is like the weird uncle at family gatherings. You know that the gatherings are coming (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc) and your crazy assed uncle is going to be there, like it or not. Saying things that are totally inappropriate, like "Hey, your daughter is really growing up. Has she got her period yet?" or drinking too much and falling down the stairs, then blaming it on Milli Vanilli not having a follow up album. You don't want depression to come back, but it wouldn't stay away if you paid it.

So, I've come up with a list of what depression is like and what it means to me. Sure, it affects everyone differently, but I thought it might be a good idea to sling a few cats up a tree to see if they can catch a branch or land on their feet (they always seem to).

Depression Is.....

Wanting to sleep more than a 19 year old high school drop out, living in mom's basement.

Believing people are conspiring against you, as if they were planning the JFK assassination.

Thinking nobody loves you, despite them putting up with your tantrums about sour cream having an expiration date.

Believing aliens are stalking you and have abducted your pets. (OK, never mind that one, it's a whole 'nother kind of crazy)

Wanting to be left alone and then when nobody comes around getting pissed because you think they don't care.

Small matters suddenly become large and overwhelming.....but only to you.

Getting "WTF?" looks from your friends and family when you tell them you'd prefer death over how you feel.

Sending a scathing, angry email and then wishing there was a "Take It Back" button just two seconds later.

Closing your Facebook account because someone talks bad about the Red Sox.

Being less motivated than LeBron James in an elimination play-off game.

Smoking a joint and not laughing at America's Funniest Home Videos.

Watching "What About Bob?" as if Freud wrote it.

Being certain that everyone on the road is out there just to piss you off.

Allowing whims to control most of your day and actions.

Not feeling good for no good reason.

Having less interest in sex than Rosie O'Donnell at a Chippendale's weenie flop.

Finding no joy in the things that should light up your day; like getting an extra chicken wing in your 3 piece meal.

"I'm down....really down....how can you laugh when you know I'm down."

The Beatles

Where Is The Leadership? Where Is Common Sense?

Dicking Up Things For 18 Years, With More To Come

Yes, it's been awhile. I've been busy with other things that don't involve anything. Honestly, I've just been lazy and have not found a lot to laugh about in the past few weeks.

I have to ask; What the hell is going on?

And I don't mean just lately. You really never see societal change coming and I guess that's why we have not noticed that our political "leaders" have become anything but leaders. Sure, we have always had angry disagreements in politics, but now, we don't seem to  have any mutual respect. We fail to compromise for fear that we will look weak. I believe this has slowly evolved in us and has been handed down from the extreme activists in our politics. Nobody can stand to lose anymore. Everyone HAS to be right and wants to destroy, discredit, and dishearten those who are not like minded.

The past three presidential administrations have had good points and bad. But, they have all caused (or are causing) big problems for our country in favor of catering to big business, extremists, their party, their re-election, their legacy, short term success, and their inability to admit a mistake and change course.

Clinton (and I'll just use the presidents names instead of specifically pointing out the exploits of their underlings) insisted on mortgage lenders that they make so many loans available to those who would usually get turned down. Those who were questionable in their ability to afford a home. Well, that's not a bad idea in theory, but you can't set a percentage or what have you on how many loans are given. Everything should have been case by case. That was a situation that was never corrected and we wound up having to bail out mortgage companies and helped usher in our current recession. That was just plain irresponsible.

Bush, promised tax relief and we got it. Hooray!!! Great idea. We got attacked and the president did a good job of leadership in the aftermath. But, then we got ourselves into a situation we were poorly prepared for in Iraq. We had wars on two fronts. That's expensive. So, do we stop tax relief at that point to be resumed later? No, Bush continued to cut taxes, while trying to pay for two wars. Not to mention, he never met a spending bill that he would veto. He was a tax cut and spend Republican. A rare breed. And don't even get me going on the halt of federal funding for stem cell research. So, we started running budget deficits, after Clinton accomplished a surplus. I'm all for lower taxes, but additional cuts should not have been made after the first round.  

Now, Obama wants to continue down the path of throwing logic out the window. His administration is spending like a 22 year old lottery winner in Amsterdam. We are on pace to have a deficit larger than our economy. Our government is now in the banking and auto business. The man has played golf seven times since the BP oil catastrophe happened. Until recently, Obama had gone almost a year without having a full blown news conference. So much for governmental transparency and having one press conference every month, like he suggested while campaigning. I'll throw in that the Bush tax cuts will expire and there is a looming "credit crunch" coming. People are going deeper and deeper into debt, trying to survive by using their credit cards like Miley Cyrus buying short shorts on Rodeo Drive. Having taxes go back up will probably hurt the economy, but hopefully increase revenue that could help with all the government initiatives that Obama is rolling out.

Currently, we have millions of barrels of oil pouring into the gulf and nobody at the top took it seriously for six weeks. Louisiana is suing the federal government. The federal government is suing Arizona. Al Franken is a friggin' US senator. Sarah Palin is considered a serious candidate for president. The debt is sky rocketing. Military management is openly criticizing the current administration in the press. Lady Gaga is popular (and I still don't know who that is). Those states at the bottom of the economic and education rung have been there for a long time, with little hope of upward progress. Catholic priests are abusing kids and getting away with it. The media acts in concert with the politicians to spoon feed us what THEY think we need to know, instead of just presenting the truth. And Ryan Seacrest still gets work.

Our leaders are putting the screws to us.  We need a third and/or fourth party that is strong........in a bad way. But, the powers that be have done and will do all they can to keep that from happening. We will pay the penalty for having incompetent and careless leadership until we quit treating each other like enemies over political beliefs. We need compromise. We need leadership that will act according to the best interest of our nation and not just cater to his or her party, in hopes of acquiring more power.

Like it or not, we are being taken for the "proverbial ride", as Maude Lebowski would say. It's time that we have more movements like the "Tea Party" and even like the hippies in the 60's. We need change. I don't really believe we are going to find it in the Republican or Democrat parties. We elected change and it's been more of the same.

Turn out the lights the party's over they say that all good things must end

Let's call it a night the party's over and

tomorrow starts the same old thing again

Willie Nelson

The BP oil "spill"....does anyone care?

Anyone want to enjoy the gulf coast this summer? Didn't think so.

I can't understand why the story behind the oil spill has not moved front and center. Honestly, is the government really content to sit back and let BP take care of this? Obama says they are monitoring the situation, but as of today, the president hasn't been down to visit and see what the hell is going on. Where is the outrage over this? Bush was crucified for waiting before he visited the gulf after Katrina. I'm not saying Obama needs any sort of blame on this, anymore than Bush was to blame for a hurricane. But, again, why are we leaving this to BP? 

We have been told over and over that "BIG" oil is evil, deceitful, and doesn't care about the environment, and the solution to the oil spill/leak is to let them clean it up? There should be a press conference every few days from the administration letting people know what efforts are being made. Today BP is starting an experimental  process to try to plug the hole. Great.....good for them. But I'd like to KNOW that there is some sort of oversight on this. Hell, for all they know, the process could actually make the leak worse. 

Political leadership has slowly fallen apart over the past 20 years or so. Yeah, politicians and people in power many times are corrupt and mostly into their own self interest despite saying they want to work for the people. I've read comments from Ed Shultz and James Carville, both staunch Democrats and Obama supporters, that basically are trashing the Obama administration for sitting on their hands. And they are partially right. At some point, our government needs to take the bull by the horns and get down there in the middle of this.  This is on Obama's watch and there is no blaming George Bush for this. Let us know what is going on. We know that you care, Mr. Obama, but let us know that you are moving on this thing.

People want to know that there is a solution and we have very smart people working on it. People have questions and want some answers. I agree with most people that this should be on BP's bank account, but this has gone on long enough. We bail out anyone who has lost a buck, but we are not moving quickly enough to save animals and an important part of our nation and the worlds environment? Shows were our priorities are. And it continues to show that if it's not all about money, the government and politicians don't care.

Almost a month ago, the media and Obama were already talking about who was going to pay for the clean up.....well, it's STILL leaking. Who gives a shit right now about paying for it. Let's get it stopped!!!

CBS puts cart before the horse

Is it OK to even write the word Muhammad?

It's just pathetic that the "religion of peace" is now a sacred cow in our country. The fundamentalists (ie, those who actually live as the Koran says to) have beaten the US and our media into submission. We can no longer discuss Islam, make a parody of Muhammad, or even identify known Muslim terrorists as being Islamic, we have to call them "extremists". It's a sad state of affairs. 

Recently the creators of South Park were threatened with violence and death for depicting Muhammad.....in disguise as a bear. Now, they didn't draw what they thought Muhammad looked like or even a caricature. They drew a bear and said Muhammad was inside. Is that worthy of a death threat? Well, evidently, it's worthy of the episode being pulled by Comedy Central. How's that for freedom of speech and artistic expression? 

Back five or six years ago when a newspaper in Denmark showed a cartoon depicting Muhammad, there was widespread violence and quite a few people were killed. KILLED. OVER. A. CARTOON. And our news networks would show the cartoons with the pixels out of whack, so as not to show Muhammad. What? Really? Yeah, really. What a sad shame, when we, living in the land of freedom, have to resort to censoring the news, parody, or satire. When's the last time anyone cared about making fun of Jesus, Satan, Zeus, Tom Cruise or anyone else? All is fair game......except Muhammad.

Let's ask this; Did any Christians make death threats against Matt Stone and Trey Parker (South Park co-creators) for portraying Jesus? Did any Scientologists threaten violence against them for making fun of Ron Hubbard? Did Mormons take to the streets and beat the piss out of people because Joseph Smith was turned into a cartoon character? You already know the answer to those questions. 

I have nothing against the rank and file religious person. I certainly hold no ill will towards any Muslim who is just going about their lives. But, it is high time that the religious moderates (ie, those who KNOW that the Bible, Koran, Book of Mormon, are not to be taken as literal truth) started calling out the extremists. If you want to be respected and taken seriously, take on the fundamentalists in your religion. There are parts of the Koran and parts of the Bible that simply can't be applied to the modern world and the age we live in. Search your hearts and minds.......does anyone who reads this REALLY believe that God or Allah wants us to kill each other over being apostates, blasphemers, working on the Sabbath, or being gay (just to name a few actions that are considered death worthy by the ancient texts)? It's hard enough to decide what you believe, raise a family, hold down a job, and live a life without having to worry about someone wanting to kill you. Life is hard. Life is tough. Enough with the religious violence already.

By the way, most people don't know, but South Park actually depicted Muhammad as a character back in 2001. If there were uprisings and threats, we sure didn't hear about it. So, now that we have given power to Islamic fundamentalists we can rest assured that our news and our entertainment will be censored and issues will be danced around. I've read that we shouldn't identify the 9/11 hi-jackers as Muslim extremists. They should be called "extremists" only. I guess that would be OK, if a couple of them were Jewish, a couple were Christian, mix in an atheist and maybe a Mormon.....then you could say they were simply extremists. But, they were ALL Muslim. They all were following the orders of the Koran. Muslim extremists? YES. The "Muslim" part is important. That is how you identify who wants to hurt you and your family. 

Here is an excerpt from a Christopher Hitchens article from 2006 (which I will also link....it's a good read);

The question of "offensiveness" is easy to decide. First: Suppose that we all agreed to comport ourselves in order to avoid offending the believers? How could we ever be sure that we had taken enough precautions? On Saturday, I appeared on CNN, which was so terrified of reprisal that it "pixilated" the very cartoons that its viewers needed to see. And this ignoble fear in Atlanta, Ga., arose because of an illustration in a small Scandinavian newspaper of which nobody had ever heard before! Is it not clear, then, that those who are determined to be "offended" will discover a provocation somewhere? We cannot possibly adjust enough to please the fanatics, and it is degrading to make the attempt.

Hitchens Slate.com Article (click this link)

So, the bottom line is, we now live in a country where our media had decided that Islam is off limits as a serious discussion topic and as satire. Let freedom and the 1st Ammendment ring!!!!

 South Park's Muhammad depiction in 2001. No threats or violence that were made public.

    

South Park's Muhammad depiction in 2010 (yep, that's Mo in the bear suit). Threats of violence and censorship follow the airing of the episode.

Is this insane or what? What the hell is happening to us? If we can't trust the media to be honest and report the news as it is, regarding a cartoon or some violent people in a religion, then what can we trust them for? Telling the truth about politicians? Telling the truth about hot topics of the day? I'd have to say "no" would be my answer. 

By the way, in case any extremist Muslims read this, Freddy is on hiatus......I'm ghost writing for him. My name is Charles Manson. Come get me, I dare you.