Sunday, February 6, 2011

Vintage Christian Album Covers

I've wanted to do this for awhile and another blogger has pushed me into doing this now (thanks Mike!). I read a blog yesterday on Christian rock (like heavy stuff....Stryper, etc) and it got me to thinking about some of the bad album covers I have saved on my hard drive. So, I'm breaking some of them out. There are a few that simply need no caption. Then there are those that NEED captioning.

As I look at some of these covers, I have to wonder what the hell was the criteria for releasing an album in the 60's, 70's, and 80's? Could you just show up at a photo shoot with matching, bad clothes on, horn rimmed glasses, and a terribly false looking background? Are these albums as funny to listen to, as it is to view the album covers?

These covers create more questions than they answer. So to over analyze would be fruitless. Kind of like quantum physics. Once you think have one part of it figured out, there are 1,000 more questions to answer. Some times, there just are no answers to those burning questions. For example, why do most Christian women over the age of 45 wear the big bun hair style?

This is sort of a personal favorite. I found it several years ago and just couldn't get over the background. The sweater vests were obviously a bad idea, but what's with the barn in the distance? How much farming are they doing in those duds? Seems like showing a church in the background would have been more relevant. But really, nothing says spirituality like 3 eager guys, a woman, and a barn.

Not ashamed? I guess not. Look at that ride and those outfits. The Lord has been good to them and they have in turn put that grace to good use by purchasing what looks to be a Rolls Royce and some tuxedos with lapels that could serve as hang gliders. If not for the guitar and the words on the cover, this could almost serve as a late 70's prom picture.

I appreciate the simplicity of Father Robert White. He isn't going for the hard sale. Father White is rockin' "Moon River", and "Tiny Bubbles" with a bit of tact. Father White is obviously a rhythmic man. I have not heard this, but I'm guessing "Danny Boy" is probably his biggest hit. This album was a fairly huge hit for the Reverend. The follow up release "Beach Party Baptism" was both a critical and commercial failure.

Poor Freddie Gage. All his friends are dead. Apparently so was Freddie's sense of style. He has a wardrobe that Herb Tarlek and Cousin Eddie would be apprehensive about wearing in public.

Honestly, what the hell do you want from me on this one. Any way you slice it, this goes in a bad direction. I'm going to go ahead and assume that this kid released a Pink Floyd-esque concept album about his days as an altar boy. See....I told you this couldn't lead to a good place.

I'm thinking that these guys wanted in on the act too. Poor Greg Kendrick. His smokin' hot Beatles cut was bringing all the boys to the yard.

 Mike Adkins is a bird lover. He wants to be sure that whoever gave him the dove was properly thanked.

Where in the hell did all that hair come from. And no way that person on the right is a way. The Faith Tones released a string of albums in the 70's, but couldn't break out of the expectations of their fans. Their lesser known releases were "Jesus Abuse Me", "Jesus Pay Attention To Me", "Jesus Help Me", and "Jesus Are You Even Fucking Listening To Me?" and sold an average of 3 copies each. And on a side note, lead singer and slide guitarist Eshter Martin-Tong (the woman on the left, with dark hair) choked to death in 1988 while taking communion at a Unitarian Church in Brooklyn.

Ira had to be a millionaire record label owner, because there is nobody on this planet or in heaven (or in hell for that matter) that would be a part of this release from modern music icon Ira North. Some of the more notable songs on this record are "Take Me To The Kitchen", "What's For Dinner", and "Jungle Boogie". Ira was not done with the music business, as he put out two more albums after this debut, including "If I Were A Jew".

What kind of exploitation is this? The Singing Midget? Really? Are 50% of all backing bands named "The Crusaders"?

I'm going to wrap up with this one. First, these guys really have a bad sense of style. I mean, really, wearing white in hell? They are just asking for pinhole burns and sweat stains. And it's going to be a little hard convincing people Satan is real with that depiction. That's less scary than the South Park Satan. Hell, it's less scary than Sponge Bob. Unfortunately for us, this was the only official release for The Louvin Brothers. They both died of venomous snake bites trying to prove that spiritual healing "Is Real".'s the encore. And I don't have much for this one, because anything I add to it, will diminish the hilarity. So, add your own caption or just gaze upon the elegance.

Addendum for C9!!!


  1. That last album is definitely intriguing. If "Ricky's Got Wood!" is one of the tunes, I'ma go out and find a copy.

  2. Actually the Louvin Brothers were a great country duo. Charlie Louvin died last spring of pancreatic cancer. I believe his brother had died some years before. This cover is a stinker, and unless you can appreciate their religious songs for the slice of americana they are, I wouldn't recommend listening to it.
    They were members of the Grand Ol' Opry since 1955, and influenced later artists like Emmy Lou Harris, The Byrds, and Gram Parsons.

  3. Michael, if they influenced Parsons, Harris and the Byrds, there is no way they were bad guys!! My laugh is at the cover, not at them. :-) And, if I find some of their music, I will give it a listen!

  4. Hey, you forgot Bruce Yelton and Upbound, "Swing That Gospel Axe", LOL!