Friday, September 18, 2009

Not all, but SOME food service workers!

No doubt I may touch a nerve with some of you, but I don't care. If you are a person who makes a living in the food services, please try to act like you care, even if you don't. Hey, I'm talking to you, pin head! Yeah, you, the 19 year old kid who is pissed off that he has to work the register at the Hot Dog Hut on a Saturday night instead of ingesting cheap beer through an oil change funnel
with his only 2 friends. I know that you would rather be sucking down the booze while discussing
which way you'd violate Lara Croft if you were in the video game, but you are not. You chose to
work, so act like you care about the customer in front of you who is just trying to stuff some protein into their pie-hole so they can go about their business. Is it a stretch to speak in an audible manner? Mumbling was probably cute in high school as you said "blow me" under your breath at the science teacher. Everyone laughed, I know, it was cool. Well, how cool is it now that you are out trying to fit into society and you can't spell cat if you were spotted the "c" and the "t"? Pay attention, get the order right and be friendly. It'll make you a better person and maybe you can start climbing the employment ladder and assimilate into society with the rest of us.

And I can't let waiters or waitress' off the hook. You have a tough job, I know it. But for goodness
sake, don't take it out on me. I just want my damned steak. If table 3 didn't tip good, you probably are not gonna increase your cash flow by treating me like I stirred your morning coffee with my manhood (or lack there of). Yes, we all realize that you want to be Superwaiter. You may think you are Houdini, Cris Angel, or Miss Cleo, but write down what I order. You'll avoid having to be pissed at me for sending my food back because you want to use the "special gift" that your hippie, new age Aunt Jenny told you that you possess. Just get it right and I'll tip you nicely. Keep my drinks full and pop your head in once in awhile to see if I need any ketchup for the dog food you brought me and we'll get along fine. You'll make out by getting a 25% tip (or 7% if my wife is with me) and I'll get to enjoy a meal without a hassle.

And lastly, I'd like to ask the maitre de' population amongst us a question; "Why are you such an
arrogant prick?" Really, you don't own the joint. You write down names and pawn folks off on the
people who do the real work (waiters/waitress'). You are a glorified name taker. Looking down
your nose at me, with your second hand sale Sam Myers tux? Well, I would not piss on you to put you out if you were burning to death in front of me. Is anyone with me on this? Here is all the training you need to be a maitre de' ; "Welcome to (insert upscale, over priced, over hyped diner here), how many in your party?" "Your server will be right with you." and my favorite "Right this way." That's some tough stuff. Does the tux come with an organ and a monkey, you jerk off?

We all remember this snooty idiot from "Ferris Buellers Day Off" right?
Don't let this be you! People will want to hurt you.

"...struttin' up the aisle, big deal you get to fly. You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky" ---"Waitress In The Sky" The Replacements


  1. I think I want to hurt someone now, too. We had an "experience" at our fave little bar/restaurant after working landscaping today. God, I am so onto this rant of yours, lol. The girls ignored us, basically - one was gabbing in the phone instead of taking our order, then she served it cold because she had been arguing with her Mom or bf. The other disappeared, cleaning tables in a room so remote, we had to send an Evac Chopper just to get her attention. So, well, we burned the place down. I figure that's justice.

  2. 25% who the hell you trying to kid. You are the only person the pizza boy has tipped!!!!!