Saturday, September 12, 2009

Things We Need....or Don't!

Let's face it, we are dab smack in the middle of a great age of expanded information and invention. The most simple of devices have been taken to the next level. Our science has become very sophisticated. So sophisticated that we now know that headaches are not caused by a snake living in the skull. No, that was medieval thinking. We know we can safely say that headaches are caused by small gnomes living in a persons belly. Alright, enough of modern medicine, back to the topic at hand. We have lots of stuff and a lot more stuff available to us. In life, there are things we need and want. Many times we have difficulty telling the two apart. So, with that in mind, I'm here to lend a hand.
In this blog (and for pete's sake, isn't that just a sick sounding word?), I'm going to help you start a life of higher thought. I'll tell you some things we need and don't need. Even better I'm gonna tell you WHY you need or don't need 'em. If you bore easily, read no further......
Cell phones with so many features. It's a phone, folks. Does it have to play music or movies? Movies? Are you kidding me? Television shows? Who in the hell watches television or movies on a 3 inch screen? If you watch a downloaded copy of "2001: A Space Odyssey" on a phone, you should just dig up Stanley Kubrick's corpse and violate his skull by taking a dump in it. I get the GPS on a phone thing, but cameras, voice recorders, games, internet.....and on....and on....and on, why do so many people think they need it? It's overkill. Isn't it enough to sit and play "Farm Town" for 3 hours a night, but you have to be able to "hoe some taters" while you are driving to work also?
More reality shows. Enough is enough. It was a novel concept, but it has worn out its' welcome with all sane Americans. Flavor Flav had a show. Which, while weird as it may be in and of itself, it becomes even more bizarre since for him to have a show it means there was someone else, other than Fucking Flavor Flav, who thought it would be a good idea to put that laplegged, cracked out, no talent skeleton on tv. This thing with putting cameras in someones home and watching them all day makes me ill. Why does anyone watch it? Is it to feel better about yourself when you realize that Bruce Jenner and Ozzy Osbourne have the collective I.Q. of butternut squash? Maybe so.
Laws against marijuana use. It's time to get consistent. I'm not saying that I support the legalization, but I do support that it should be legal or alcohol and tobacco should be made illegal. Alcohol and cigarettes kill thousands every year. They lead to sickness that puts a tremendous strain on our health care system. Alcohol leads to more abortions in a day than there are African babies living with Brad Pitt. Think of all those 3 am, closing time hook-ups that take place through beer blinders. It must be stopped! And I think I've hammered smokers enough on an earlier blog. We shouldn't legalize marijuana because unlike alcohol, it loosens you up and changes your behavior. Ooops, bad example. OK, no pot because it would be bad public health policy. Ooops, the legal cigarette kills someone in the world of lung cancer about every 30 seconds. It also stands to NO reason that it's legal to produce, distribute and profit from cigarettes and alcohol with full knowledge that the two do cause disease, do cause broken families, do cause unnecessary accidental deaths, and do make it to the consumers KNOWING that it can kill people.
We don't need newspapers any more. Just like buggy whips, porn movie theaters, and clean air, the daily printed news media is no longer needed. Just send us the coupons every Sunday and keep the bird cage liner. Why get information as it happens on television and the internet when you could just as easily catch it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow on a piece of paper delivered to you by some anonymous early morning driver who you feel compelled to give a McDonald's gift card to every Christmas? Sports is a total waste of time in the newspaper. If the game is taking place out west, the printed media will likely send you the score in a couple of days. As the nation and world were watching the events of September 11th, 2001 unfold on television as it was happening, newspapers all over the place were scrambling to let the world know all about it, as soon as 20 hours after it happened! It's over! Classifieds? Ha! Try or Ebay. Editorial page? Guffaw! Turn on Rush Limbaugh, Keith Olberman, or Glenn Beck! Funny pages? Puhhhleeeezzzzeeeee! Why watch Dennis pull the wool over Mr. Wilson's eye's or see Beetle get the best of Sarge for the 3,492,588 th consecutive day, when you can watch South Park, King Of The Hill, or Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Save a tree. Cancel the paper and open up the world of webs.
More country artists like Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, and Hank Williams. More movies with Seth Rogen and John Cusak. More honesty in politics. More Ryan Seacrest, because we can't move forward as a species until every man, woman, and child have had exposure to him. More integrity in every day life. More children having childhoods. More repackaging of Beatles material, because the 800 million that Paul is worth may not hold up to the crumbling economy. And by the way, are any Rob Zombie or Sylvester Stallone movies eligible to be turned in under the "cash for clunkers" program?
"Take back Vanessa Redgrave. Take back Joe Piscopo. Take back Eddie Murphy. Give them all some place to go."
"Jammin' Me"---Tom Petty

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