Driving Miss Crazy

 *Another piece I wrote some time ago*

This is really going to sound  sexist and it probably IS sexist, but are there any women out there who
can drive without putting themselves or others in grave danger?

 
It just absolutely makes my a-hole bleed to be behind a woman when I drive to work every morning. If
it's not putting on make-up, it's reading the paper, talking on the phone or texting. Yeah, that's right, I did say reading the paper.....while driving.....a car......a real car. Now, men are not exempt from this either. But, the vast majority that I seem to catch in this bold act of reading, are indeed, women. 

Let's go with make-up first. Don't do it. It's ridiculous. Quit knocking down shots of tequila and squat humping your boyfriends softball team all night, set the clock and get out of bed.....EARLY!! Take a shower, play with your hair for 2 1/2 hours, then put on your make up. If you have to put your make-up on while speeding down a freeway at 7 am, you are a gawd dammed idiot. You are a stupid ass. People are taking their kids to school or day care. Have a little compassion and think about someone besides yourself. You more or less look like the same weathered old bag with or without the makeup. You are either a weathered,
time worn hag without make-up, or you can be a weathered, time worn hag that looks like a clown at
Barnum & Bailey's Circus. If you want to look like a clown, at least drive a Volkswagen.

 
Next is reading while driving. Stop it. For crying out loud you are operating a vehicle that weighs  

thousands of pounds! Isn't that enough to make you think that reading isn't a
good idea while speeding towards your secretarial desk at whatever company you answer phones for,
at 65 MPH? "Kathy" or "The Family Circus" just won't be as funny if you have to read it with your head
sticking through the windshield.

 
Can I get a consensus on this statement......"NOBODY should operate a vehicle while talking on the
phone"!!! And I won't stop there, try not to watch TV while driving. Everyone else in the car is
allowed to, you can only listen. I don't give a damn if it is your favorite episode of "Who's The Boss?",
wait until you get home or pullover at a rest area. I would say the same of texting. Really, you think it's a good idea to basically use a typewriter while driving? Really? Update your Twitter when you are safely home. Believe me, the world can wait to hear that your cat can wear the little Dallas Cowboy booties you bought him.

 
Here's another tip (and we are all human beings here, should I have to be doing this?), if you are in
the far left hand lane of a highway that is larger than 2 lanes, you are in the fast.......FAST......lane. That
means you should try to at the least drive the speed limit. Do NOT drive the same speed as the car
beside you. Go around them and get out of everyone else's way. Most people expect to
drive 5 to 10 MPH over the limit in the fast lane. Your father should have taught you that when you were
10 years old.

 
There is so much to cover on this topic, but I'll end with this one; don't play your music so loud that you
can make the dead sit up and give you the finger. I get it all you 18 year old, pants hanging off your
ass, sandal wearing, wife beater sportin', sideways cap with the tags still on it donning jackals....you
like to feel your little pea brain rattling around when you listen to music. That's fine when you are out
on the open road or at home. As for a red light, or a friggin' drive thru, turn that shitty, useless, garbage
down. Do they actually sell soundtracks of just a bass drum booming over and over and over and
over? Oh, yeah.....they do. And that's stupid too.

 
I need all you women and other morons to do a better job of paying attention on the road. I have
enough to deal with, while I drink my coffee, swing at my kids in the back seat and look for a CD in my
glove box.

"Baby you can drive my car...beep, beep, beep, beep, yeah!"--The Beatles