Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Drunk Hims. Drunk Hers.

What's up with all these friggin' rookie drunks these days? Can't anyone get piss drunk and act like they have a little sense? I know we (well, YOU, not me so much) get drunk so we can let down our (again, YOUR) guard, feel good, and escape from the pressure of our every day life, but come on, enough with the stupidity. This isn't about drinking and driving. That's stupid beyond stupid. I'm not going to lecture anyone on that. I don't care if you kill yourself, but have some consideration for others Otis, and don't drink and drive. You could kill a bunch of kids or something, you jackass.

What I want to rip on, is the amateur drunk. You know Him or Her. I'll describe the "Him" first. The  "I'm Funny" drunken him thinks everything he says is funny and if you don't laugh, they are going to keep saying and doing the same thing over and over until you do laugh. They will be too wasted to realize that you are putting them on with a fake "ha ha", so they will take your false laugh as the real thing and continue on. There is no way to control this guy. You can't encourage or discourage him, he will carry on. Then we have the "I Am Rocky" drunken him. This jackal thinks he can whip anyone. Usually he couldn't whip cream, and that's sober. He picks fights with people. He's a smart ass to those who are not drinking and just wanting to enjoy themselves. The guy can't stand to have a good time unless he has some drama going on. He will push and prod until someone finally beats his ass nearly to death. So, how about the "Stumble Bum" drunken him? This is the biggest of all assholes. He can't walk. He stumbles into everyone, spills his beer on you, and half smiles as if he expects you to hand him a meddle for not dumping the whole thing. "Hey, saved it dude!" The Stumble Bum is the moron who believes vomit is controlled voluntarily and will try to spit up into a friggin' Dixie cup. Someone who hasn't had a drop usually has to babysit this buzz killing pud. That same someone usually spends the next day cleaning up vomit and spilled Miller out of the carpet. You can identify the Stumble Bum easily, as he has Chinese eyes, his cheeks are red, and he's mouth breathing. He will almost always look just like this;

Now on to "Her". The female drunkard. Consider the "I'm Too Sexy" drunk her. She is funny to watch, but quickly becomes annoying. This girl is usually wearing a belly shirt and low rider jeans. This girl generally has no business wearing either. This little harlot thinks she can dance way better than she actually can and the only reason she is remotely cute, is because all the drunk guys think they have a shot at "hitting that", and probably do. She drinks to lose her shyness and wants to get so drunk she wouldn't care if she squat humped the Pittsburgh Steelers.....all of the Pittsburgh Steelers. If the girl is pretty, she just wants you to notice her, and then she'll blow you off after you buy her a drink. She usually gives you the wrong phone number and then the trollop.......hey, never mind....I really....ummm....don't know anything about those kinds of girls. Let's move on, shall we? Seriously...

There is also the "Bitch" drunk her. If there is a weak one in your group, then this girl will pick that person out and let them know everything that is wrong with them. Ugly? Have a bad job? Shitty car? Have a pimple? It won't get by her. Her drunk pleasure is  anothers sorrow. Anywhere you go, she won't have a good time. She's the one who talks too much and finally someone has to yell at her. She swings she misses and now she hates everyone. Her best friend has to take her home, undress her, lay her down and kiss her on the forehead, and comfort her, before moving down her neck and on to her supple breasts......wait a second, I'm going to take a break here.........OK, huh?....what was I writing about? Also, the "Fran Drescher" drunk girl is way out of line. You know her, right? For whatever reason as soon as she finishes off her second beer, she begins to get a very nasally laugh; "ah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah".....go ahead, pinch your nose and try it if you don't think it's annoying. Do that very often and you'll be ready to stick a meat themometer in your ears. That one also talks way too loud. It's as if she is trying to talk over a jet engine.

OK.....if any of these people are you.....stop being an a-hole. How about having some drinks and fun? How about actually remembering the time you had? Let everyone else have some fun without you dicking it all up. If you are lucky, you won't wind up having to call your lawyer or mom first thing in the morning. 

" a matter of fact, I like beer." --- Tom T. Hall


  1. Thats Great..;) candy..:)

  2. That was terrific. I hit every category!

  3. They're young, that why they are rookies. I was like that once upon a time in a far away galaxy. Now I am quite professional. I have puked in places that are completely unimaginable. Balcony at my girls friends house to my shirt pocket and many places in between. I didn't know when enough was enough. Now I do and I simply go to bed.


  4. Shirt pocket!!! YES!!! First time I've heard that one! Freddy