Saturday, January 2, 2010

My Perfect World

I hear people (and I do it myself) say "In a perfect world...." and then they go on to tell you about how great it'd be if something was a certain way forever and for everyone. Well, I figured out that if I'm going to wish for a singular thing to be in this perfect world, I may as well go for the gusto (a former beer slogan for those of you too young to remember) and dream about a bunch of stuff! Since it's unlikely to happen, why not get all you can? And what if, like on "Liar, Liar", "It's A Wonderful Life" and scores of other films, your wishes get answered? You don't wanna be stuck with "In a perfect world, chocolate would be free.", do ya? Of course not, you want some really cool stuff! So, here's my entry and maybe the lords of the cosmos, karma, God, The Force, Isis, Zeus, or those aliens from "District 9" will hear me and say "Hey, dude's got a great list....give it to him!"

In my perfect world:

* Chicken wings would be nutritious beyond belief. They would be the miracle food. The more hot sauce you add, the better it would be for you. The skin is where the really good vitamins are and the wings are properly deep fried, they can prevent cancer, polio, dandruff, hearing impairment, wrinkles, and obesity.

* Any food that is deep fried would be considered the staple of every nutritious meal.

* We would start making all the goods that we imported, right here in the USA. That way, everyone who wanted a job could have one.

* The work week would only be 3 days and no more than 6 hours each day.

* Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Robert DeNiro, Christian Bale, and John Cusack would always be with us to make great films.

* People would have the same fervor, anticipation, and love for others and their own lives as they do for their favorite athletics teams.

* And while we are on that, in a perfect world, you wouldn't feel the need to love your team so much or hate your rival team just to get a feeling of high self-esteem. If you need a bunch of college basketball players for that, you need to step back and re-evaluate your mind set.

* Meg Ryan would go back to "When Harry Met Sally" Meg Ryan, not "Oh, I turned 40, better start having my face worked on" Meg Ryan.

* My Morning Jacket, Wilco, Ryan Adams, and Paul Westerberg would be on par with The Beatles.

* You could get a teeth whitening smile by brushing with sugar.

* The leadership of each country actually moved in ways that benefited everyone and not a select few.

* Religion stayed a personal and/or community affair and was not intertwined in politics, which makes it dangerous instead of more beneficial to mankind.

* Women really loved sex and it just tore them up when they couldn't get enough.

* Hot and Spicy pork rinds were an entitlement from the US government for all citizens.

* Baseball could go back to 1975 and stay perfect for me.

* Everyone would respect each other, no matter our differences in culture, religion, language, or skin color.

* Christmas would be eliminated and we would have a "Family & Friends Week" where everyone would hook up with the people they care about, have dinner, and just hang out. Do we really need the blatant commercialism and consumerism of Christmas anymore?

* Sandra Bullock, Sandra Bernhardt, and Brittany Spears were all register jockeys at K-Mart. (by the way "Wrong Brittany died!")

* Bacon would cure heart disease.

* Gasoline would be .25 a gallon.

* Alcohol would be socially outcast and marijuana would be socially, medically, and industrially accepted.

* More people listened to Sam Harris than to Glenn Beck, Pat Robertson, and Barack Obama.

* Ryan Seacrest would be cloned and he'd have to work a register at every McDonalds in North America.

* Soccer caused STD's......(soccer transmitted disease).

* Hair would stop growing all over my body. Yep, I'm living proof that evolution does occur in some capacity.

* I would know and then not care who Lady Gaga is? Really, who the hell is that?

* Everyone would stop worrying about the afterlife and focus their attention on making their "nowlife" more positive, meaningful, and fun.

* Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus were actually two different girls. Then we would get double the amount of great art that they produce.

* Everyone would know when I was being sarcastic.

* Jurassic Park would be a real place.

* The New York Yankees would be small market.

* Children would never be afflicted by any disease (or treatment) worse than the common cold.

* "My Name Is Earl", "Arrested Development", "Starsky & Hutch", and "Freaks & Geeks" would have never been cancelled.

* There would be no need for the death penalty or abortion.

* There would be no need for humanity destroying weapons.

* Everyone would realize, as I do, that "Super Troopers" is simply not funny, unless compared with a showing of "Schindlers List" to Holocaust survivors.

* Nobody would have to suffer, be oppressed, hunger or lack love and friendship enough to hurt someone else for it.

I could pretty much stop right there and will. If you have any "Perfect World" scenarios, be sure to list them in a response to this blog. Some of mine are purely selfish and others are, in my opinion, a positive for everyone. I hope everyone has a prosperous and love filled 2010. This is the year "We Make Contact" according to the "2001: A Space Odyssey" sequel. So, be on the look out for aliens and such.

Everybody’s dreamin’ ’bout a perfect world
Where you could have everthing your heart desires
A perfect boy will meet a perfect girl
And the perfect love will set the world on fire
"Perfect World"--- Huey Lewis


  1. I just read that over again.....geez, I'm becoming a fat assed hippy. I need an Eric Cartman reality check!

  2. * Pro Athletes and Public School Teachers would have their salary situations reversed: Pro Athletes would have average pay, but a healthy union to protect them and give them a good pension; Teachers would get awesome pay, but poor performers could easily be released or sent down to the minors.