My Perfect World

I hear people (and I do it myself) say "In a perfect world...." and then they go on to tell you about how great it'd be if something was a certain way forever and for everyone. Well, I figured out that if I'm going to wish for a singular thing to be in this perfect world, I may as well go for the gusto (a former beer slogan for those of you too young to remember) and dream about a bunch of stuff! Since it's unlikely to happen, why not get all you can? And what if, like on "Liar, Liar", "It's A Wonderful Life" and scores of other films, your wishes get answered? You don't wanna be stuck with "In a perfect world, chocolate would be free.", do ya? Of course not, you want some really cool stuff! So, here's my entry and maybe the lords of the cosmos, karma, God, The Force, Isis, Zeus, or those aliens from "District 9" will hear me and say "Hey, dude's got a great list....give it to him!"

In my perfect world:

* Chicken wings would be nutritious beyond belief. They would be the miracle food. The more hot sauce you add, the better it would be for you. The skin is where the really good vitamins are and the wings are properly deep fried, they can prevent cancer, polio, dandruff, hearing impairment, wrinkles, and obesity.

* Any food that is deep fried would be considered the staple of every nutritious meal.

* We would start making all the goods that we imported, right here in the USA. That way, everyone who wanted a job could have one.

* The work week would only be 3 days and no more than 6 hours each day.

* Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, Robert DeNiro, Christian Bale, and John Cusack would always be with us to make great films.

* People would have the same fervor, anticipation, and love for others and their own lives as they do for their favorite athletics teams.

* And while we are on that, in a perfect world, you wouldn't feel the need to love your team so much or hate your rival team just to get a feeling of high self-esteem. If you need a bunch of college basketball players for that, you need to step back and re-evaluate your mind set.

* Meg Ryan would go back to "When Harry Met Sally" Meg Ryan, not "Oh, I turned 40, better start having my face worked on" Meg Ryan.

* My Morning Jacket, Wilco, Ryan Adams, and Paul Westerberg would be on par with The Beatles.

* You could get a teeth whitening smile by brushing with sugar.

* The leadership of each country actually moved in ways that benefited everyone and not a select few.

* Religion stayed a personal and/or community affair and was not intertwined in politics, which makes it dangerous instead of more beneficial to mankind.

* Women really loved sex and it just tore them up when they couldn't get enough.

* Hot and Spicy pork rinds were an entitlement from the US government for all citizens.

* Baseball could go back to 1975 and stay perfect for me.

* Everyone would respect each other, no matter our differences in culture, religion, language, or skin color.

* Christmas would be eliminated and we would have a "Family & Friends Week" where everyone would hook up with the people they care about, have dinner, and just hang out. Do we really need the blatant commercialism and consumerism of Christmas anymore?

* Sandra Bullock, Sandra Bernhardt, and Brittany Spears were all register jockeys at K-Mart. (by the way "Wrong Brittany died!")

* Bacon would cure heart disease.

* Gasoline would be .25 a gallon.

* Alcohol would be socially outcast and marijuana would be socially, medically, and industrially accepted.

* More people listened to Sam Harris than to Glenn Beck, Pat Robertson, and Barack Obama.

* Ryan Seacrest would be cloned and he'd have to work a register at every McDonalds in North America.

* Soccer caused STD's......(soccer transmitted disease).

* Hair would stop growing all over my body. Yep, I'm living proof that evolution does occur in some capacity.

* I would know and then not care who Lady Gaga is? Really, who the hell is that?

* Everyone would stop worrying about the afterlife and focus their attention on making their "nowlife" more positive, meaningful, and fun.

* Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus were actually two different girls. Then we would get double the amount of great art that they produce.

* Everyone would know when I was being sarcastic.

* Jurassic Park would be a real place.

* The New York Yankees would be small market.

* Children would never be afflicted by any disease (or treatment) worse than the common cold.

* "My Name Is Earl", "Arrested Development", "Starsky & Hutch", and "Freaks & Geeks" would have never been cancelled.

* There would be no need for the death penalty or abortion.

* There would be no need for humanity destroying weapons.

* Everyone would realize, as I do, that "Super Troopers" is simply not funny, unless compared with a showing of "Schindlers List" to Holocaust survivors.

* Nobody would have to suffer, be oppressed, hunger or lack love and friendship enough to hurt someone else for it.

I could pretty much stop right there and will. If you have any "Perfect World" scenarios, be sure to list them in a response to this blog. Some of mine are purely selfish and others are, in my opinion, a positive for everyone. I hope everyone has a prosperous and love filled 2010. This is the year "We Make Contact" according to the "2001: A Space Odyssey" sequel. So, be on the look out for aliens and such.

Everybody’s dreamin’ ’bout a perfect world

Where you could have everthing your heart desires

A perfect boy will meet a perfect girl

And the perfect love will set the world on fire

"Perfect World"--- Huey Lewis

Use Your X-Mas Money Wisely

I'm still working on "My Perfect World", so that blog will have to wait to be posted. What I want to impart unto you on this day is how you should spend your holiday booty/take/pull/bones/cash....whatever. These are items I may or may not own, which isn't the point. They either are great or might be great.

Music: Here are some high quality albums every music lover should own

Pleased To Meet Me: The Replacements (think alternative Rolling Stones)

Rubber Soul: The Beatles  (one of the best albums ever)

Dark Side Of The Moon:  Pink Floyd  (it's an album, listen to it all, not just the hits)

I Feel Alright:  Steve Earle (first album after his release from prison, classic)

Sky Blue Sky:  Wilco  (the best band you've likely never heard of)

Evil Urges: My Morning Jacket (great local band that's made it BIG)

Best Of Frank Sinatra: Frank Sinatra (classics from a classic crooner)

Strangers Almanac:  Whiskeytown (Ryan Adams best record, real country)

I've Always Been Crazy:  Waylon Jennings (his last great album)

Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere: Neil Young (this or "Harvest", you can't go wrong)

Movies: Great films that you must see.....at least twice, and get a blu-ray player already!

The Shining (not just a horror film, it's psychological)

The Big Lebowski (I've seen it 20 times...it's that funny)

Vanilla Sky (what if you could live on after you die? what if it went wrong?)

Tropic Thunder (Downey and Cruise are awesome and wickedly hilarious)

The Union (what you should know...)

Forrest Gump (an epic film with lots of passion and heart)

Millers Crossing (one of the best gangster films...EVER)

It's A Wonderful Life (great acting, great story)

Field Of Dreams (not REALLY about baseball, it's about relationships)

The Godfather & Godfather 2 (and you already know this, man!)

Old Yeller (watch it with your kids, laugh, cry, learn)

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, enough said)

Heat (DeNiro and Pacino together)

Books: I love to read and I read a lot of different stuff

Ragamuffin Gospel: Brennan Manning  (if you are a believer and haven't read it, do so)

Ball Four: Jim Bouton (great book on baseball and what happens behind the scenes)

The Shining: Stephen King (the book and movie are not the same)

The End Of Faith: Sam Harris (compelling book on why religion needs to go)

Cash: Johnny Cash (tells you a lot about his life and people who were in and out of it)

Other Stuff

Blu-Ray/DVD Player (if you own a high def TV and watch movies...you HAVE to have one)

Acoustic Guitar (it's time you learned to play an instrument)

PS3 (you can play games, watch movies/blu-ray, store and play pictures, video and music, surf the web, access your computer....it's the ultimate home entertainment system)

Popcorn Machine (come on, admit, you always wanted one)

So there you have it. My post-Christmas list for you. Of course, you could always get your favorite blogger a $100 gift certificate to Best Buy or Indie's Chicken. Take care, hope you all had a great Christmas.  

"Money don't matter tonight, it sure didn't matter yesterday. And just when you think you got more than enough, that's when it all up and flies away."--- Prince

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/X-mas....whatever

Alright. I'm not a big Christmas guy. But, in the spirit world of the holiday season, I thought I'd share some funny pictures I found related to the season. I'll be back with a real blog called "My Perfect World" pretty soon.

 

 

 

Everyone have a great holiday. Make certain you check your tree for squirrels and if your head is sewn to the carpet when you wake up on Christmas morning, be thankful Cousin Eddie isn't sleeping on your sofa.

"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time...."--- Paul McCartney

Drunk Hims. Drunk Hers.

What's up with all these friggin' rookie drunks these days? Can't anyone get piss drunk and act like they have a little sense? I know we (well, YOU, not me so much) get drunk so we can let down our (again, YOUR) guard, feel good, and escape from the pressure of our every day life, but come on, enough with the stupidity. This isn't about drinking and driving. That's stupid beyond stupid. I'm not going to lecture anyone on that. I don't care if you kill yourself, but have some consideration for others Otis, and don't drink and drive. You could kill a bunch of kids or something, you jackass.

What I want to rip on, is the amateur drunk. You know Him or Her. I'll describe the "Him" first. The  "I'm Funny" drunken him thinks everything he says is funny and if you don't laugh, they are going to keep saying and doing the same thing over and over until you do laugh. They will be too wasted to realize that you are putting them on with a fake "ha ha", so they will take your false laugh as the real thing and continue on. There is no way to control this guy. You can't encourage or discourage him, he will carry on. Then we have the "I Am Rocky" drunken him. This jackal thinks he can whip anyone. Usually he couldn't whip cream, and that's sober. He picks fights with people. He's a smart ass to those who are not drinking and just wanting to enjoy themselves. The guy can't stand to have a good time unless he has some drama going on. He will push and prod until someone finally beats his ass nearly to death. So, how about the "Stumble Bum" drunken him? This is the biggest of all assholes. He can't walk. He stumbles into everyone, spills his beer on you, and half smiles as if he expects you to hand him a meddle for not dumping the whole thing. "Hey, saved it dude!" The Stumble Bum is the moron who believes vomit is controlled voluntarily and will try to spit up into a friggin' Dixie cup. Someone who hasn't had a drop usually has to babysit this buzz killing pud. That same someone usually spends the next day cleaning up vomit and spilled Miller out of the carpet. You can identify the Stumble Bum easily, as he has Chinese eyes, his cheeks are red, and he's mouth breathing. He will almost always look just like this;

Now on to "Her". The female drunkard. Consider the "I'm Too Sexy" drunk her. She is funny to watch, but quickly becomes annoying. This girl is usually wearing a belly shirt and low rider jeans. This girl generally has no business wearing either. This little harlot thinks she can dance way better than she actually can and the only reason she is remotely cute, is because all the drunk guys think they have a shot at "hitting that", and probably do. She drinks to lose her shyness and wants to get so drunk she wouldn't care if she squat humped the Pittsburgh Steelers.....all of the Pittsburgh Steelers. If the girl is pretty, she just wants you to notice her, and then she'll blow you off after you buy her a drink. She usually gives you the wrong phone number and then the trollop.......hey, never mind....I really....ummm....don't know anything about those kinds of girls. Let's move on, shall we? Seriously...

There is also the "Bitch" drunk her. If there is a weak one in your group, then this girl will pick that person out and let them know everything that is wrong with them. Ugly? Have a bad job? Shitty car? Have a pimple? It won't get by her. Her drunk pleasure is  anothers sorrow. Anywhere you go, she won't have a good time. She's the one who talks too much and finally someone has to yell at her. She swings she misses and now she hates everyone. Her best friend has to take her home, undress her, lay her down and kiss her on the forehead, and comfort her, before moving down her neck and on to her supple breasts......wait a second, I'm going to take a break here.........OK, huh?....what was I writing about? Also, the "Fran Drescher" drunk girl is way out of line. You know her, right? For whatever reason as soon as she finishes off her second beer, she begins to get a very nasally laugh; "ah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah".....go ahead, pinch your nose and try it if you don't think it's annoying. Do that very often and you'll be ready to stick a meat themometer in your ears. That one also talks way too loud. It's as if she is trying to talk over a jet engine.

OK.....if any of these people are you.....stop being an a-hole. How about having some drinks and fun? How about actually remembering the time you had? Let everyone else have some fun without you dicking it all up. If you are lucky, you won't wind up having to call your lawyer or mom first thing in the morning. 

"...as a matter of fact, I like beer." --- Tom T. Hall

Thinking About Movies

After I saw “Inglourious Basterds” at Cannes, although I was writing a daily blog, I resisted giving an immediate opinion about it. I knew Tarantino had made a considerable film, but I wanted it to settle, and to see it again. I’m glad I did. Like a lot of real movies, you relish it more the next time. Immediately after “Pulp Fiction” played at Cannes, QT asked me what I thought. “It’s either the best film of the year or the worst film,” I said. I hardly knew what the hell had happened to me. The answer was: the best film. Tarantino films have a way of growing on you. It’s not enough to see them once.----Roger Ebert

That's why I love film and watch movies over and over. I'm not a big fan of Roger Ebert, but I think he catches the essence of what I feel sometimes when I see a really good piece of art (film). A really well made, intelligent film, is hard to digest or really sort through on the first watch. There are things going on that you can't consider, because you don't have the time. I didn't care for "O'Brother Where Art Thou?", "The Big Lebowski", "Kill Bill", "Millers Crossing" or "The Royal Tennenbaums" when I first saw them. But, because of who directed them, I realized I had to watch them again to see why I didn't "get it". I knew what was going on, so I could take the time to enjoy the performances and/or the intent of the film. Most Coen Brothers and Tarantino films have layers to them. Tarantino directs his movies as if he were writing a book. He loves dialogue and lets the actors BE the characters in the film. When you see Carradine playing "Bill", you realize that it IS David Carradine. Nobody else could play that part. The same with Brad Pitt playing Aldo Raine in "Inglorious Basterds". Their pacing and "physicality" lend part of themselves to their character and Tarantino gives them the freedom to take over their scenes.

I've converted a couple of people over to the "dark side" when it comes to watching movies more than one time. I've heard it said that once you have seen it, you know what happens, why bother? Well, for many movies that is true. But who watches "It's A Wonderful Life" just once? Any fan of the Kubrick film "The Shining" has seen it multiple times. Ditto for classics like "The Godfather", "Fight Club", "The Wizard Of Oz", or "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance". If you love an album or a song, you don't listen to it once and put it away forever do you? Hell, radio plays the top 3 or 4 charted songs EVERY hour of the day. Great cinema is not to be viewed and put away. Like any other form of art, it's meant to be challenging. It should stimulate conversation and possibly allow you take notice of something in the world or in yourself that you haven't thought of or seen before. Granted, it's the rare film that does that, but if you tie your interest with directors, you will find movies much more satisfying for you.

Everyone loves to love an actor. But it's the directors that I follow. They are what the film industry is about. It's their medium. It's their craft. It's their art. Sure, I'll watch anything that Seth Rogen is in, he's entertaining. But, if I really want to know that I'm likely going to see a quality film, I follow certain directors. John Ford, Stanley Kubrick, PT Anderson, the Coen brothers, Quentin Tarantino, Martin Scorcese, and Ron Howard all produce or have produced stellar work. And not just once, they do it time and time again. And they put so much work and care into it, a person who really appreciates film, has to sit with their movies several times. I have seen "The Godfather" and "Millers Crossing" countless times and they still don't bore me. I get something out of every viewing.

Just thought I'd share that. Now, go rent "It's A Wonderful Life" again and take the time to watch the film unfold and to see how Jimmy Stewarts character "George Bailey" goes from a wide eyed, world in front of him young man, into a resentful middle aged man who blames his inner misery on those around him. You have seen it....you know the story....so focus on what made the film great. The performances and the story of hope, failure, and satisfaction. And......look for "Alfalfa" from The Little Rascals. He's in there.    

One flew over the cocoo's nest
The movies are the craziest
I'll be a movie nut until I die
The movies are great medicine
thank you Tommy Edison
For giving us the best years of our lives

The Statler Brothers